An issue I have been struggling with my whole life has been my weight. When I was younger I felt like my weight made me less than others and I really let it effect my opinion of myself. I hated how I looked and desperatly tried to overcompensate for it. As I got older I developed more self awareness/ apreciation. It took many many years to get to the point where I really could say that I love the person that I am.
Now that I am pregnant and looking toward a brand new stage in my life I have started thinking about the kind of mother I want to be. Unfortunatly for me I am not one of those overweight women whose energy goes uneffected by the weight so I have to think long and hard about how my body and vices could contribute to the lack of interest in my children. I have seen it before where there have been overweight parents who just can't maintain the energy possible to play with their children and to fight all that pain they feel they just isolate themselves. I don't want to be like that. I want to be the type of parent who will take my children on nature hikes in the mountains or plays baseball with them outside. I want to be the type of parent who has the energy to keep up with a child all day instead of praying they need a nap soon.
The truth is I know my current lifestyle is not healthy from fast food runs to late night pizza sessions I am not only lowering my quality of life but putting myself at risk for a lot of diseases. But how do you change your current lifestyle without changing all those great things about yourself. I don't want to be skinny for the sake of being skinny so I am not giving into the socital idea of beauty so I can be proud there. Although I would never hope for my children to face these food challenges like me so I guess I am hypocritical there.
I think everytime I have tried to lose weight it comes dangerously close to troubling my identity which has already been challenged enough as it is. I have such a hard time making that identity change because there are so many great things about your old identity. I think it gets scarey because you risk losing a lot more than just weight. That sense of self becomes completely rattled and then you are left looking back at the old days. Of course we all need to grow and change but this has always been so hard for me. I get scared that I will lose valuable friends or that wonderful sensation of making it up to the buffet. (Yes I know how sad that sounds).
Food is more than just something you eat it facilitates friendships, it aids in social gatherings, it makes you feel happy when you have had a rough day, or celebrate something great. Lately I have realized that I am truly addicted to food. Well I always knew that but recently I have been relishing in my addiction.
Bottom line is that I know I have to make a change (know when to say "uncle"--ha!) but I am very scared of doing it. I have thought about incorporating an additional element to my weight loss team after the baby is born. I have been thinking about going to counseling about my associations with food and seeing if they can assist me in finding a healthy balance between appreciating good food and going way beyond. I think having that extra person who is unbiased to talk to may really help. I know visting with Paulette I have learned a lot about myself and my motivations but I think I need a person who is trained in psychology to help me really face the identity issues. I am afraid that facing them will be one unresolved middle school pain after another but perhaps that is what I need to get my mind where it needs to be--focused on my family, friends, and quality of life. You never know who the new you will end up being. So as you change and evolve into this new person who is still you but a different you then there is this huge awkwardness created whenever you are faced with remnants of the old you. It's like you can see your past self and how they would react to whatever the situation is and you feel like you are some kind of alien you and that now everyone is looking at you exepecting you to be that person (the old you) but you aren't. You want so badly to be that person for them to make you more comforable and reaffirm who you are to them but you just can't even if you turned back you are still different. There have been so many life changes throughout these past few years that I already feel strange being who I am in front of people who knew me as I was. I just hate that astrangement that I am pretty sure I am creating myself. You just get so scared that with all this changing you won't be left anymore and then one day you will look at yourself and say who am I.
I am not saying all that I am is in my weight but these ideas these thoughts they are what really hold me back and always have. I get scared that I won't be able to recognize who I am.
I know though that without that risk I can't be happy because we can't all be stuck in the identity we chose in high school, college, etc. I also know that friends can come and go throughout life but those amazing life long friends are life long because they understand the changes and are willing to take the ride with you and I definatly have that. (Ha I wanted to insert a little analogy comparing my friends to Jessica Simpsons career and how even though she is trying new things she won't lose those die hard fans-- I just want you all to know you are like Jessica Simpson to me--laughing yet?)
I don't care about being skinny I just need to be free from the hold that the food has on me. I need to push myself to go to the gym. I need to enjoy activities that involve energy instead of being afraid of them. I am always so frightened of doing activities with lots of walking or anything like that because deep inside I know I can't handle it without taking breaths.
The hard part of trying to lose weight (not now of course since I am pregnant but after the baby is born) is the fact that diets/ life changes whatever you want to call them always make me feel bad about myself. It's like torture to say no when you really want whatever it is and then on top of that you know that you aren't letting yourself have whatever it is because you have acknowledged within yourself that there is a problem--with you. I hate that I don't want to say that I have a problem that needs a solution I just want to have energy to do things. I guess the lack of energy is a problem and therefore I have a problem. I have to take a risk- I said it before and I'll say it again-and maybe taking this risk will be easier because whether I like it or not my identity is changing. Once the baby is born I will be a mother and no matter what it is my responsibility to give the baby whatever it needs now and for the rest of it's life. If that is a complete identity overhaul then I don't know what so maybe the time is just right for a change.
We'll have to see in later posts I guess.
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2 comments:
Grace it seems like the whole time I've known you you've changed in your actions and beliefs but not who you are. I think nothing and no one could change your wonderful, strong, and caring spirit.
If you chose to breast feed when the baby is born I'm telling you that it burns calories like crazy. So you definitely don't want to diet right away. Just eat healthy; like chicken, vegetables, and fruit. Also just keeping after the little ones burns calories.
The ways you've changed in these past couples years have been for the best. You are healthier because of the choices you've already made. Your health and happiness is above all 10X more important then anyone's perception of it. Everyone is going to support you in your life change if they know that it's important to you. I support you.
Actually, I think you compared yourself to Jessica Simpson, and us to her die hard fans. Who's changing? That sounds like classic Grace to me.
I think the danger is in the way you look at life changes. It doesn't have to change you into an unrecognizable person. The way you look at it makes a big difference.
But we will always support your happiness.
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