A Hitch in the Gitty Up

I am winding down! It's really funny I get here and I try really hard to get as much stuff done as I can in the morning because I know I am getting really tired a lot faster now than ever before.

Yesterday, I was feeling so sick and tired I had to cancel my movie plans and just go home for some rest. It worked out really well because Stan needed to finish a project so he had to work late so I was able to catch a few extra Zzzs before he came in. I know I am not going to fair very well today because I have been really sick to my stomach all day and I am pretty sure my stomach will not be able to hold back too much longer. I am just glad I got a lot of work done already and that I made sure I got in here really early so if I needed to leave for any reason I would still have my hours in.

I keep reading how nutrition is really important now and I really don't want to get my baby addicited to fast food from the womb on so I am really going to focus on being careful with my food intake.

Blogged Insight

I realized today why it is I love blogging so much. I love when you get all this feedback from people. You get to hear their opinions or advice on certain things you are going through. I also love going back and seeing what people said in response to old things I have said. It's a neat chronological record of what is going on with you and where your mind is at in any given moment.

Today I am feeling pretty nasty again but I am thinking all of this will pass soon enough. Like I said before at least I know the baby is there. I am just really bummed that I can't be a little more social. I really wanted to go see Harold & kumar with Audre but my body is just breaking down right now. Yesterday I noticed that I was getting really tired and today is no acception. I have to say this is worse then when I was dragging in those earlier weeks.

I have started to notice my pregnancy a lot more. I have the morning sickness in full swing, very very fatigued, and today I have been having an off and on headache. Its just a hot mess but I love it. I like my hormonal rants and my uncomfortable feelings.

I am figuring that I just have a burn out today because this past weekend was so fast and busy. People are telling me if I am feeling this way then I need to listen to my body and know that it may just feel exausted and that I am using a lot of energy to grow the baby. Still I am frustrated with myself like I can't just go see a movie and hang out with one of my best friends but I know I will have to take it easy for at least the next month or so. And I figure I will rest up a lot tonight and see how I feel tomorrow.

I think I have mentioned this in this blog but on Thursday I am having my first sonogram so I am all excited to see that heartbeat and I just am really praying everything is right on track. I keep getting all nervous and finnakie because this is my first baby and in some ways being nervous makes it feel more real. It is still so easy at this point to forget that there is a baby in there. I just can't wait until I am really really pregnant looking. (Ha I say that now!)

Nothing Really to Say

Today is my first audio conference meeting and I am so excited to be going it alone. I am praying that everything turns out ok and that I don't really run into any snags I can't handle.

I have been eating smaller meals all day today to try to ward away the queezies and I think it's at least keeping them at bay.

Other than that all is well.

Worker Bee Appreciation Week

Today we got a very awesome surprise at work. Our manager called an "all hands meeting" and there was all this food I mean like bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, french toast, bagels, donuts, coffee cakes, juices, and all sort of fruits. It was delicious! On top of all of that they gave us each an award for our efforts and a flower. And (as if that weren't more than enough) they are giving us "Kudos Cards" which entitle us to 59 minutes of leave. They are giving us a kudos card for every day this week. I am so thankful for that because I really need to try to keep my leave intact.

When I got my award the Hub Manager (who presented them to each of us said it was for hitting the ground running and always being willing to help out & particiate whether it be joining commitees or attending training classes. She said that is what is truley important. I am telling you I love our HUB manager because she was able to recognize each one of us and our accomplishments.

Today I am getting ready for a meeting and have a lot of work to get together so the day is just flying by. You have to love long meetings!

Party's Over, Folks

This past weekend was my Grandmother's 25th Anniversary party and everything seemed to go really well. I got to see my cousins and everyone already knew that I was pregnant so I got to hear all kinds of goorey details from them. I was very happy to see Bob & michelle and meet Michelle's kids & husband. It was funny she said that she didn't know who I was when she first saw me and we started to laugh. I had a great time. My mom made me sing " Don't Cry for Me Argentina" to kick off the karaoke portion of the night. There was a prize for the best chicken dance, conga line, etc. It was quite a fest. I cried when my Grandparents walked down the aisle, it was so sweet and I was so overcome thinking about how much she has changed and had to endure these past few months.

After the party my cousins went over to see my Grandmother and get a chance to hang out with her but I think she was pretty wiped out. The next day she wasn't really doing too well. She kept talking about how she was in all of this pain and then already had taken 2 oxycodone pain pills and had on a morphine patch. My Grandfather was worried and wanted her to go to the hospital but she refused. This was basically the last I have heard of it but I am hoping to find out some more information pretty soon. I need to give me my mom a call to check up on how everything is going.

Sunday Stan and I just laid around the house and took naps. It was such a rainy day so the best thing to do was take advantage of the lack of anything to do. It was a nice recovery day after all the work that we put into the party.

Ward Away the Bored/Pumping the future

It's 5 o'clock on Friday so clearly the only thing on my mind right now is can I go now? I didn't realize how many lulls this job really has to it and I have to admit I am rather disappointed. I know I will get busier as my meetings hit it's just crazy that I am sitting here with nothing to do but write about how I have nothing to do.

I already went onto babiesrus for hours today looking into all the neat gear that is out there and thinking about what things I want for my baby. I am not going to go so far as to create a registry yet but I am just looking at what is out there and reading consumer reports about things so when the time does come I can be all sorts of educated. Although I fully plan on taking a veteran mom with me when I do go to register to make sure that I have everything I need. I figure that all those checklists are chock full of what sponsers want them to say you just can't live without. I like the idea of haing a "living it" mom tell me what they couldn't do without at 3am. Plus it will be great mommy bonding time.

I focused a lot of researching breast pumps and let me tell you...yuck. Just the thought of the word vacuum as it is associated with my breasts is chilling. Although let me tell you I did have some hilarious mental pictures. I had done a lot of research on whether I wanted to breast feed or formula feed earlier in the year and after researching a lot I think that I really want to breast feed for 6 month or at least until my milk runs out. I figure I do want to pump a lot though because one thing I have always felt is that feeding the child helps the baby & father bond build. Plus it gives me a little mommy alone time (which will be so needed I know). I don't have anything against formula feeding I just like the addition of all of those wonderful immune building nutrients plus there is a lot of bonding while breast feeding. Since I fully plan on doing formula after a while I am going toget supplies for both. that way if I decide that I can't handle the breast feeding or whatever I will still be prepared. I will write more about my pump research on my maybe baby site since that is more geared toward that information.

On other fronts, Stan applied for the treasury job and yesterday found out that he was not high enough in the ranking to get referred to the hiring offical which really upset him. After a lot of loving support from all of his family members Stan walked into the office today and talked to someone about re-looking at the application to indeed say whether or not Stan was "qualified" for a job that he is currently performing. I am really praying that this comes through for him because that will open up a lot of doors for us and will be such a great thing for the baby (which he said he used as an inspiration)

Whether Stan actually does get the job or not I am really proud of him for walking into someone's office and confronting them. It is so incredibly unlike him and I am so glad that him saying something means that there is still a chance. It's just great to see people conquer those things that are really hard for them and completely inspiring. In that situation I doubt I would be able to muster up the courage to say something to someone and usually I can say just about anything to anyone (case in point posting on the internet all about how I am constantly farting in my office). I just think it is so great that Stan came out of his shell and really stood up for something he wanted. I think it made an impression on the hiring offical too because generally he has percieved Stan as a really hard worker who is really quiet. Well it shows him now just how badly Stan wanted this position. Like I said no matter what the outcome I am just happy that he was able to stand up for himself.

Ok I must really type fast because I have written all of this and I still have 15 minutes to go.

I think I mentioned before that tomorrow is my grandma's 25th anniversary party and I worked on a lot of the stuff today so I think I am pretty much set. I just have to finish the album when I get home. This is going to be such a great opportunity to see my family and I am so glad my grandma can have this. Her cancer has been such a rollercoaster and I know this will be a great high point- one that will hopefully keep her going as long as she can.

Location, Location, Location

Today they are setting up the offices so that Sonya & I will be together in one office & Mo & Tanya will be next to us in the office next door. I am actually excited about sharing an office because I won't be in here all alone I will have someone else with me. The only problem I forsee is I am a little too social sometimes and always feel the need to talk when someone is in the same room as me. I will defiantly have to work on that or else I will get on Sonya's nerves.

I am really tired so I am hoping that the day goes really fast today. I am not going to see Paulette McMillian today I think I am just going to rush to get everything done that we need to for Altoona and then rest! I know I have to finish up the album and figure out a way to get rid of the wedding charm on the cover, print out the name badges (which will be really fast) & assemble those and the cardbox and I am done. I always wait until the last minute to do thing but I am still disappointed in myself for not getting this done earlier. All I know is it has to be done tonight.

My mom took the day off of work today to get all of her loose ends tied so she will be doing that all day. As for me, I don't have the leave and I realize I have to be really conservative on the amount of day I am taking off. It's rough though because sometimes those symptoms hit & I feel exausted and all I want to do is just go home and sleep.

Working On My Rest

Today I am feeling so funky. It feels really hot in here too which let me tell you makes it sooo hard to stay awake. Fortunatly I have a class today which I have decided I am going to attend since I really have nothing pressing to do here.

I have decided that each month I am going to post a picture of myself in my grey sweater dress on my mamasmaybebaby blog. I was going to take the picture yesterday but I couldn't figure out how to take a full length picture of myself so I am thinking I will need to have Stan's assistance for that one. I figured I would spare my adoring public the naked belly pictures (thank you, thank you).

I have been going really strong the last couple of days getting things together for the Anniversary party and I am completly psyched to be there. I haven't see my cousins in so long so I am dying to get to see them. Also I just think this will be such a great moment to share with my Grandma and after everything she has been through this past year I think this will be the break from it all that she deserves. Nothing is better than being surrounded by all your family and friends. It makes you feel so happy (especially when things are completely being taken care of for you so you don't have to worry about stuff getting done.) I still have a little more to do but I think I am almost there in terms of getting everything done. Stan has a little bit more things to go too.

My cousins are flying in tomorrow but not until like midnight so I won't be able to get to see them at all. I am fine with not seeing Boob since he is a jerk but I was really looking forward to seeing Michelle and meeting her kids. Oh well I guess we can do all of that at the party. I am just worried we won't get the opportunity to talk while there is all of this other stuff going on. Their flight is leaving on Sunday afternoon so they aren't staying long. It's because they have to work which I completely understand. I know what it is like to not want to use your leave.

Man, I need a nap badly!

Six Degrees of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em

This weekend was great, I got to spend a lot of time with Audre and had a total blast. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and ordered two appetizers, two lunch sized salads, and 2 slices of cheesecake for dessert. It was sooooo good. We actually brought the cheesecake back and ate it while we watched movies. We rented, "Southland Tales" and "I Am Legend". I was not too muxh into Southland Tales since it really made no sense and seemed to only serve the purpose of making my "Six Degrees of Sarah Michelle Gellar" game easier. "I Am Legend" though was awesome! I thought it was done really well and it made a really great point. I am really starting to repect Will Smith as an actor. I was disappointed with the way that the vampire people looked though--too computer generated. I like when there is that eerie look of human still. I think when they look more human like it makes your emotions go all crazy--I love that--like you can see a shell of what they once were.

After the movies we ordered some pizza and watched old episodes of this season's Project Runway. Audre spent the night but left really early in the morning so I didn't get to make us bacon & eggs (which is probablly good because right now just the thought of them makes me feel all sick inside).

Yesterday, Stan's car died so he jumped it and drove it down to Bethesda to exchange cars with his dad and I stayed at home working on my Grandma's album. I did some really cool layouts but some may have to be revised, I think after a while I got bored and just did anything I wanted. The computer program I bought for scrapbooking is really nice though. Its cool to design something and then to completely change it later. Also if I go too far all I have to do is edit-undo and I am saved! It was nice to just lay around the house all day and not really have to do anything or be anywhere espeically since next weekend is the party for my Grandparents.

This week should be realtively easy going since most of my work is already completed and I have some days off. I am just taking it all in and trying to get all the sleep I can because when we actually do have a baby I doubt I will ever sleep again--well at least not for a good year or so!

I am totally frightened of my mom & this party. We all know my mom has a tendancy to go too far with things which always makes them the most memorable events ever, but when she has any kind of emotion behind them--LOOKOUT! She becomes a mess, calling people up and giving lists over the phone, renting things that don't make anything easier for anyone, and pushing people until their breaking point. I think it is best to remember though that she is doing this because she cares and she means well. I try to remember that inside it all is still that kid trying to prove herself to her self involved parents. I feel bad for her and I know how much she wants this to be perfect for my Grandmother. I think it's my mom's way of saying goodbye to her. Most of everything is coming together and I think by the middle of this week I should have everything on my list assembled and ready to go.

We will have to leave our place on Saturday no later than 9 am to get there by 12 to help set up which I think is fair because we will still be sleeping in and since Stan will have to do all the lifting my plan is to help out by doing all the driving (most likely will be for the best anyway I already get really car sick when other people are driving me around in the mountains).

Hopefully Sunday will be a more laid back day and I won't have to be so worried about using all of my energy up on the weekend and having nothing left for the week. I am planning on just cleaning up the house a little and resting. Maybe we will do something with Stan's parents like dinner or something.

My Cue

With everything being all scarey right now I am thinking a lot more about how I should be conducting myself in terms of what is best for me is not always what is the best for my baby. I have decided that I am going to ask Paulette McMillan, my nutritionist, to give me a healthy eating plan and then I am going to follow it to a 'T'.

Today I am going to Chipotle for a teary..until later!

14 Again

Hey Beth,

Doesn't this make you feel like we are in high school again writing on open diary again? I love it. Actually it's cool because I can get a day-to-day on you no matter the time zone. Plus I miss you so much!!!

And the Heart of a Fighter

This week is going to be nice and mellow since I have two hotel visits & a training class. I am glad too because I still have a lot of work to do for my Grandma's Anniversary party which is scheduled to be on the 19th of this month.

About my Grandma so on Saturday my Aunt Sheree, my mom, and I all drove out to Altoona to go see how she is coming along. It was weird to see her because she looked so jaundiced and she seems to have lost a lot of weight which for some reason makes her look a little shorter. She was sitting up in a chair which she said that was the first day she had been out of bed since her surgery. We had to wear these protective gowns over our clothing and rubber gloves to keep from spreading any germs/infections. My Grandfather didn't wear them and my mom wasn't going to but I said I wanted to. I think that following those guidelines are a good idea in a place like the ICU where one infection can cost someone their lives (not to mention that I didn't want to risk any infections getting into my body either).

We stayed for 2 hours and chatted with her about the party. I showed her a slideshow of my pictures of Sugar and she told me that she was glad that Sugar ended up in such a loving home. We also talked about her "brush with death" and she told us all that she kept screaming that it hurts and that she wanted to die. She looked directly at us and then said that she was ready to go, told us that she loved us and then said she was proud of all of her girls but that she was the most proud of me. This came as a huge shock since I never had felt that connected to her while I was growing up, but I think that she is proud of what I have achieved and the choices I have made to get to this point.

On the way back my mom and I talked about how things were going for my Grandma and how she was basically saying goodbye to us. I said that many people don't get a chance to say those things to the people that they love and many people don't have the chance to accept their death before it happen but she has been blessed with the ability to do that. Although she has to work through a lot of pain my Grandmother gets the opportunity to see all those people who have loved her and still love her and tell them how she really feels about them. I have been blessed with a whole new understanding of who my Grandmother is and will miss her when she is gone.

My Grandfather spoke with the hospital on Sunday and they have suggested using hospise care. It really made him upset and he kept telling my mom on the phone that he is able to take care of her that he doesn't mind. I think hospise might be a good idea though. That way he can have them come in every now and then and help my Grandmother out with her needs and he will get a little break from all the stress. I have seen what caring for a dying person can do to someone who is perfectly healthy and relatively young so I can only imagine the energy it will take out of my Grandfather. Plus no one can fault him for taking sometime to himself to ensure that he is dealing with her death in a good way and if he takes breaks he will be able to care for her with renewed strength. My Grandfather is such a sweet person and I hate watching what all of this is doing to him. I don't think I ever realized how much he truley does love my Grandma. It makes me happy to think of what they have and it's nice to see her have that kind of a person by her bedside. I just hope he is able to stay strong throughout this whole thing. I know he and my mom have been talking a lot with one another about everything and it seems that she has given him a lot of support through this whole thing.
I realized though how nice my relationship has been with my Pop-Pop and how he is the only Grandfather I have been able to really know (since my paternal grandfather died when I was very young and my biological maternal grandfather has destroyed his brain cells with tons of alcohol.) I need to make sure I put a lot of effort into staying in touch with him.

With Gentle Hands

Today I could not ask for more, I am having a very easy going Friday and I have Sugar's new blog all set for posts. I am really happy about making that and I am all impressed that I was able to figure out how to link my ficker account with the blogger site--no easy task let me tell you. I went through a lot of "help" searches on that one.

Last night my mom called and said that my Grandma wasn't doing too well apparently she crashed during her surgery (she had to get a stent put in) and so she is now in the ICU. I realized yesterday that I don't think I have ever had to deal with death this closely before. I thought about how scared my Grandma must be as she battles the cancer. I mean...who knows. It makes me really regret not getting to know her better, and think about all those years where neither of us wanted anything to do with the other. In the past her & I really didn't get along but as she got to the later points in her life we have spent a lot more time with her. I think I needed her to treat my mom with more respect before I was willing to give her any. I know I am going to miss her when she is gone. Also, it makes me sad thinking of my Grandfather there with her alone and scared.

I want to go there and I want my mom to go too but she doesn't seem to be willing to do it. She just wants to concentrate on the party she is throwing for them. I am thinking that is because my mom can only deal with the things she is able to control. Like the party she can get all of those details ironed out and have everything ready for the big event but at the hospital she can only sit there and offer to get things. Me on the other hand, I deal with things differently, I want to be there for the people more. I want to talk to my Grandfather and my Grandmother. I am less on the "do" and more on the "be" (if that makes any sense at all). I want to help but more importantly I think that we are at the point where we may need to say goodbye (I don't want this to sound like I am giving up I'm not she very well may live but just in case we can be there with her. ) I am a firm believer in being as present as possible when a person needs you. Us being there could just give her a memory or it could be what inspires her to give that extra push.

I think it maybe time that we go out there and visit. This way, speaking in terms of the party, I can get a picture of their house and the church. It just might be the best.

I want so badly to be a doctor. I want to be there at those moments when people's lives really change. I want to see their faces, and make memories with their memories. I just think sometimes people need someone to hold their hands. I have always felt that my biggest quality is how social I am which makes me more sensative to people, and their feelings. I think this would be a great quality for a person within the medical field.

Who Works too Hard

Today I get to leave early & go to a training course. I am all excited because usually the computer classes are over relativly fast. I dropped Sugar off at the groomers this morning so be sure to check out her blog to see the before and after photos (not posted until tonight). We are also scheduled to go to a concert tonight in Virginia so I am going to be doing a lot of traveling.

So yesterday I realized that I was beginning to PMS so I am fairly certain that we will be trying again next month. I am a little bummed but we are planning some really fun things for next month--like going to Williamsburg over my ovulation period. I have read a lot about how going on vacation often takes the pressure off and that it ends up being a really great time to just relax for the day. What's special about next month? That will be our 6th consecutive ovulatory month which is pretty huge for me. Each time ovulation comes up I get really worried that it won't happen and then we will have to go through more infertility rig-a-ma-roll but with each cycle I am getting more and more confidant that my body is working things out the way it needs to.

This is actually the hardest part of it all well this and that time between my period and high fertility. There is nothing you can do but just wait. It's crazy now because I am having pre-menstral symptoms but I still have that glimmer of hope. So for the next few days I am going to have to wait and see what happens. Luckfully my schedule is booked up a lot for this month so I won't have all of this time to sit & wonder. I am just hoping for the best--whatever that may be.

Who I Am is Who I Want to Be

This is another fine day, the weather has been amazing these past few days and has made me jump right into happy Spring mode. I love this time of the year because there are all these beautiful flowers coming up and I can once again lift my sun roof, open all the windows, blast my muic, and feel the breeze.
Yesterday I reached a fitness goal which was very exciting, I ran a whole mile! I didn't walk I ran and although I thought that my heartrate got a little high I think I did a fantastic job. After the mile I walked a little and then started running again to pull in another .8 miles of running. I have to say that I used an Elliptical trainer but I am still proud of how fast I went and how short of a time it took me to do the mile. I have been doing such a great job working out and I have to say it has been really fun going there. Plus I can't say enough about those neat endorphins. I feel like Ms. Happy or something walking around with this huge smile.

Since I was so awesome yesterday, I decided to treat myself to the Lifetime Spa. I got my hair dyed and trimmed. I just let the lady choose more or less how it was going to look and went from there. It turned out well and really brings out my eyes. I feel like I should have done this a couple of weeks ago though so I could have fully embraced the St. Patrick's Day spirit (the red hair & green eyes... yeah I look a little Irish). It took a long time to do my hair and it pushed me really late getting home so since I didn't get back until like 9:30 Stan & I (how bad is this) decided to eat out a resterant. It was my idea actually, it was just so late that going out made more sense then staying in and waiting for something to cook.

Today though I am planning to make the sweet potato fries and lime BBQ chicken I was thinking about yesterday. I was thinking about trying to make some Broocoli too. I am still planning on going to the gym after work today I am just going to make sure I am home really early.

So I did decide to start a blog for Sugar. I thought that it would be a great way for my Grandma to keep up with her and to see how she is changing or what is going on in her life. Plus those things are always fun to look back on. I am going to have to do more work to it though since all I had here was the pictures from this blog and I didn't have anytime last night to put everything together. I will post her birthday photos etc.

Still no news on the baby side of things, I am just playing it calm right now. I still have that part of me that is completely obsessed and has to know whether I am or not but the more knowledgeable part of me is saying how much better it is to wait. One thing I realize is you can always test too early and then you have wasted your money and not really even ended the guessing game. I know it is better to wait and see what happens over the next 6 days or so. I haven' t really felt anything which is fine because women usually will not have any symptoms until around 2 weeks after conception. Even still most early pregnancy symptoms are so similar to pre-menstral symptoms that it is hard to tell which you are about to experience. So like I said I am trying very hard to play it cool.

This past year and 3 months has been hard and I have gone through a lot. Of course I acknowledge that I have learned a lot in the process and that creating life takes time, but everynow and then I think about all of that stuff and I still get sad that nothing has happened yet. Its nice to be able to argue both sides with myself so I don't drag myself completely down but staying strong is difficult especially when you feel like you have to do it on your own. I feel when I talk to people about it things get shoved aside or I am told just not to think about it. Sure things are easier without a baby but I think I spend a good 70% of my time thinking about when it's going to happen, what the nursery will look like, what Stan & I will be like as parents, etc.

I just have to remember that through it all I have to be positive and look at all the wonderful things that have happened to me over the past year, I just need to let all of the other stuff fade away.

You know I need to think about how great I am doing at my job. How much I have learned and I should be glad at how fast I have been able to pick things up. People are nice here, and they are always willing to help people out. Things are going great between Stan & I and it looks like we will be getting those wood floors pretty soon. I need to stop being such a negative person!

Nothing Like An April Fool!

Play Nice Everyone!

Though My Life is Changing Fast

As it is a new month I am starting to bring this whole fitness & nutrition stuff together while also focusing on how I can be more responsible. So I am driving straight to the gym after work today and then going to the grocery store to get some tasty ingredients for my new low fat recipes from Spark people. Then I am going to go hang out with Baby Sugar Booger Bear and make some dinner. I may even sign back onto here and post some sugar pictures. I was thinking about starting a blog for her and sending the link to my Grandma so she can check it every now and then to see how Sugar is doing. In fact I am going to do that today.

I am still waiting to find out if we have successfully concieved or not and I should find out within the next week or so. I've been reminding myself that whether or not we were successful we have really improved over the past year and some change. I am now ovulating on my own and I have been making positive changes in my fitness and nutrition. I know that I have grown as an adult in a lot of ways and I found a job that inspires me & keeps me laughing. So I say no matter the outcome life is good right now and I need to enjoy these peaceful times since they will most assuradly be few and far between when we have children. Plus I always remind myself of how strong Stan & I feel about one another and how great married life is. Perhaps we haven't concieved as of yet because we are meant to enjoy this period for a little longer.

Now to create Sug's Stuff