Wasting the Day Away

I am a powerhouse when I want to be....I mean I will come in to work and seriously get my stuff done! I worked so hard and got so much done before lunch though that by the end of lunch (around 2-2:30) I was tired!!!

I figured I would just take it easy on myself and do a little "baby research." I have been looking at things and trying to come up with a tentative registry. Right now he and I have been really trying to research products and see what we think would be a good idea and what we really like and then see what stuff we can live without. I figure the earlier we start looking at all this stuff the earlier we can start figuring out how it works and whether it is actually worth getting or not. I just don't want to be rushed when we are making the registry. Also this helps us look at costs of things and assess/reassess whether the cost is really something that is needed or if we are still shopping in the clouds. Like the other day Stan and I went to babiesrus and just tried out strollers. We looked at patterns and then raced each other on who could put together the travel system the fastest. We chose one that was pretty easy to figure out and closed with one hand and everything. It was really fun and we spent a couple of hours out in the store just anaylizing each one that we thought was nice and came up with that.

I think it was last weekend Stan and I also went searching for bedding and I saw this cute bedding that said "Goodnight Baby Bear" and I fell in love. We decided we are going to do the nursery with teddy bear and blankets but in this nighty night feel. I think it is really personal to us but still has a lot of potential for things to buy. Still everything is tentative for now until we are a little closer to the due date then we will start honing in on what we really want.

People at work are saying that I am starting to show but I have a large tummy and I think they are just looking at it more so they think that I am showing although I have noticed my stomach's shape looks different then it had in the past which I have to say is rather exciting. I am glad that the morning sickness is pretty much over and once everything gets settled back at our house I can start assuming a more normal life (everything has been chaos recently with my Grandmother's passing, our new flooring, the baby, and helping John and Maggie to move into their gorgeous new home. (I am so excited for them and I wish I could help more. It is so cool though to see their furniture in it and it starting to become their house. Next it will be really cool to see when it is their home and they are all relaxed in it and going about with their regular lives. ) Anyways I am hoping once things stabilize I will be able to hang out with people a little more and starting getting a whole lot more social.

A Working Disaster

I had my first meeting today and it went ok for the most part. I forgot a really important form but my office mate was able to bale me out and fax it over to me in a pinch. Everything went pretty well I know feel like I know more about what needs to be prepared so next time I am looking to eliminate more problems on my end. I couldn't have asked for a better scientist to have my first meeting with because not only was she very calm and supportive but was so encouraging too. At least the first meeting is over and I can look forward to the rest.

It's A Long Road

Today is a sleepy sleepy day! Last night the elementry school that is located behind our condo had a malfunction or something. Around 8 or so the speakers started blasting music then around 10 it sounded like they were broadcasting some kind of sports game. I ended up falling asleep and then waking up around 2 or 3 where the speakers were broadcasting some kind of Police Warning saying something like "you will be aprehended if possible". First of all the speakers kept playing the same sentence in the wee hours of the night and I don't even want to mention how crazy it is that the police warning includes the phrase "if possible" Isn't that their job? It better be possible to catch them! Then after an hour or so of the same sentence over and over again everything went silent except this buzzing from the speakers. I can't even tell you what was more annoying the buzzing or the same lame sentence! Stan called the police and they assured him that they are having someone work on the problem and we went back to bed. So long story short I am really really tired.

The night before last we went to see the midnight showing of Indiana Jones with John and Maggie. I really enjoyed going in the middle of the night to the movie especially since I knew I was going to have off the next day. The movie was alright, I think I would have liked it better if it wasn't about aliens but more about history and all those super cool curses that come with those ancient cultures. The acting was pretty good for the most part and it was awesome to see Harrison Ford be all old but still do all these crazy stunts. It made me miss going to see opening night movies with Audre though. I loved when we would go to see a movie on Opening night and everyone would be packed in this theatre all jazzed for the movie to start. There is no better "crowd energy" then that on opening night. I love it when the movie starts and everyone screams & claps and stuff.

This weekend is a cleaning and reorganizing weekend. Stan & I have had this goal for a while to start getting our house into shape and I think we are pretty much getting there. We pulled everything out of the future nursery and put it in the living room so we could go through all of it and decide what we want or need and what we don 't. We reorganized our bedroom so we will have enough space and everything and we disassembled the bunk beds and old furniture from when Stan & John were little. I am so happy because John and Maggie said they would store the stuff (the boys old furniture) in their basement. It takes a huge load off knowing we won't have to have stuff we aren't going to use around the house. I think those baby hormone have been kicking in a lot more and I have been getting the panic feeling like we aren't ready to have a baby yet and we need to get ourselves there. It is good because in a lot of ways we aren't but I think those hormones giving me that extra push is really all I need at this point.

With the nursery empty (finally) I was able to see how much space we have and I just sat in there for hours dreaming about what I want to do to the space. Where I want certain things to go and how much space I want certain things to take up. It's neat to think that over the next coming months so much is going to change. I am so excited to get everything underway but I am grateful for this time where I can just sit and think about how I want to do things.

This weekend is a long weekend for Stan & I which means we have many many hours to get the house in order. Maybe I will post some pictures or something.

Ritual Weirdness

Last weekend was my Grandmother's funeral. I had never gone to a funeral before and never had really been to an open casket viewing so I was completely out of my element. It was terrifying seeing my Grandmother like that. She was so empty and didn't even look like herself really. I was so intimidated on Friday when I walked in and saw her laying there in the casket. I couldn't get close it was like everything there was too empty or something. I have to say my dad and Stan were really helpful though. My dad just kept making me laugh and kept me talking whiel Stan rubbed my back and smiled. I think my mom really wanted me to go up and say goodbye to my Grandmother but I just couldn't say goodbye to someone who wasn't really there. I felt like I did say goodbye when I saw her last and she was alive. In terms of kissing or touching her--that was out of the question I had no desire to do that. The minister did a prayer with all of us which was so sweet. After the afternoon viewing on Friday my parents, Stan, and I went out to Friendly's where my mom and I enjoyed peanut butter Sundays in honor of my Grandmother--another avid peanut butter lover/enthusist! After that Stan and I drove around Altoona and got a great look at the town. My parents went to the evening viewing. I was actually glad we drove around because we got to see the Mishler Theatre and about a thousand hot dog places. It was really weird because there were places I remember seeing when I was younger as I was driving along with my Grandparents. Then we went back to the hotel and watched TV. I was glad to just relax for while since the viewing was so emotional for me.
All night that night I was having horrible dreams of my Grandmother in the casket sleeping next to me. All I could see was her, and I just kept getting up and then trying to think of better things.
Then next morning was the funeral. Stan and I got up and went down for our complimentry breakfast at the hotel and then got ready for the funeral. When we got there the casket was still open so I sat in the back on the side with my dad and Stan. The minister gave a great ceremony which was not only very personal but spiritual as well.

Working Toward Change

So I realized in my past entry that I was going off and kind off trying to hide my grief within anger which is neither healthy nor is it wise. I have talked to Stan about everything and I feel a lot better because he and I will be getting together tonight to form a budget that we both have input on and can agree to. In terms of others being involved in our money issue perhaps I should be grateful since it gives us just the conflict we need to sit down together and work on what is needed.

In terms of everything with my Grandmother I am just looking forward to going home and getting a little grief.

Gloom Dispair and Agony on Me

I found out just a few hours ago that at 11:30 this morning my Grandmother passed away. She had gone 5 days without any food or drink so I knew it would be happening soon. I still feel sad though. I know I am going to miss having her in my life but I am glad that she is finally out of pain and at peace. Saying goodbye to people is hard though. Just to know that you aren't going to get to see them again. I guess since I have never lost anyone I have never had to grieve. When my Granfather died I was too young to understand what was going on. Since this is the first time I am kinda left wondering what I am supposed to do.

Overall the pressures from today have been a lot. I got in this huge fight with Stan about money stuff once again caused by his brother. I don't think he realizes that his heavey involvement becomes really obtrusive and that it causes a rift between Stan and me. I always feel like his brother knows more than I do about our personal affairs. It's also important to know that since I am an only child I don't understand why he cares this much. I mean never would Peter demand that Audre show her budget to him. Danny would never call Beth up and tell her that she is spending her money in the wrong places. Neither Soren nor David would keep track of the money that her parents have loaned her. You know why they don't do this because they understand that money is tight that people live up to their own means and that we all have our privacy. I keep suggesting to Stan that we buy a house in Middletown that costs either less or about the same as our condo, I have sent him the listings, and I have said countless times let's make a budget but there is only more fighting. Then when his brother calls us up and starts going off about how we are taking all of his dad's money I have to take the heat. There is just no solution on this end and I am just not sure where to go or what to do.

Council Is In Session

Today I have Council all day so I will be busy from around 11 on. Hopefully things will adjourn early and I will be able to go home when I get out since I got up so early this morning. There was some confusion as to the actual time we were expected to be there and I thought I had to get there by 8 a.m. I am glad I called because it turned out I didn't have to be at work nearly as early as I was led to believe.

Things with my Grandma are still going as far as I know. She hasn't had anything to eat or drink in like 5 days. The hospise nurse says that she only has 24-48 hours left and that was yesterday. Everything for her funeral and viewing are already set so everything will move really quickly once she actually dies. I have been praying each day that she will die soon because she is just in too much pain and I know she has said what she needed to say to all of us and the time to move on is now.

Stuff to Gather

Today has been really hard. I have been feeling queezy and hormonal the whole day and if that weren't enough I have had a very stressful day at work. Things have gotten really busy here and although the job itself is not all that complicated I am working with this person who seems to overcomplicate it. I am just trying to be as accomidating as I can which is easier said and done given my increased emotional sensativity.

My mom also called today and said that my Grandmother has gotten a lot worse. Her skin is cold to the touch and she is unresponsive. The hospise nurse called my mom and said that my Grandmother has only a few hours to a few days (max). All of her systems are slowly winding down and all she can do is use energy to breathe (which her resp. is very labored as well). For some reason I am ok with this though. I understand that my Grandmother is older (72 is pretty young to die but still) and I think she had the ability to show her love for her family and friends before she was gone. I have to say that getting to say goodbye was such a blessing for her since there are few times that people really are able to say their peace. Also I know she was ready. By the end she had made her peace with death and was ready to leave the world. I think when I am there at the funeral I will feel the whole thing more, but I was able to say goodbye and I have a whole new appreciation for the person that she is and I think that gives me inner peace with her passing. I can't say that I am completely uneffected by the whole situation as I know that somewhere deeper there maybe a saddness that is hiding under it all and maybe when the situation is more appropriate I will be able to let those feelings out with confidence. Until then I am not going to grieve for her but celebrate her memory a little bit more. I am choosing to think about how much I truley did appreciate the person she was in her older age and how I am going to miss her peanut butter ball and super yummy cookies at Christmas. How I won't have her beating me in card games anymore and how nice it has been over these past few years to come to an understanding on each other's personalities. I have grown and she has grown and with all that growth came a middle ground. A place where we could meet and joke about things and where we could look at one another with love and respect. I haven't really appreciated her as much as I think I should have over the past years and in some ways I regret the judgements on her that I have passed but in other ways I have loved watch a change within my Grandmother as she readjusted priorites and became a person I could not only relate to but grow to admire.

We all have these steps in life and none are easy. It's so hard when we realize that we are changing and moving in a different direction because you always feel that you are losing some sort of a part of yourself like you are sliding away, but it is interesting how much her changes made me really like who she had become. I started looking forward to seeing my Grandmother for Christmas Eve. I loved when my mom was rosting the turkey and my Grandmother would arrive with all these sweet treats in tow. And all of us girls would be in the kitchen talking. Well I was more in there to pig out on as many sugarful goodies as I could but it was still quality time. We would all talk about all these new things going on in each other lives and once I started to have a life I was all about it.

In fact, I remember when I first started really liking Stan I spilled all these beans to my Grandmother about how I wasn't sure how he really felt about me and that I thought he could really be the one. It was nice because he was and somewhere I think she knew that.

It's sad to think that my baby will not get the opportunity to get to know her at all but I have stories and many are good ones to share so I know that they will get to know her in the same way that I have always known and loved my Pop-pop Paul. I used to think about how he was watching me from Heaven and how I never wanted to disappoint him so I always tried to make the best decisions I could. Well, within reason as we all know. So somewhere my Grandmother will be watching over this baby and whenever I desperatly try to duplicate her peanut butter ball reciepe I will start the stories of how my Grandmother and I grew to love one another not just as family member but as the hard headed, fancy clothes loving women that we were.