Something speical:
Last night Stan and I went out to Olive Garden and had dinner together. I got pretty bummed because we got our credit reports and although mine has improved I am still not the best on paper. When we got home Stan and I decided to play "Lie Detector" (a game that Stan got from Santa in his stocking). It was really fun and we ended up really close to getting the suspect together. I won, of course. Then we sat in bed and watched the Pilot episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, which Stan got for me for Christmas. It was special because it was just Mr. and Mrs. Bear with Baby Sugar. Sometimes its little things like that which make you realize how much you have and how great things are whether they seem to be or not. Its just so nice being with him. I look at older people and it seems that those special moments become kind of mundane but I want to record the little things like that so one day I can look back on it all and remember how lucky I am to be with someone who is so caring and gentle. Who can understand me in anyway. I think he is the only person I don't have to pretend with, I can just be me share my thoughts and like them or not that is what they are. Well I guess that's the way it is with Beth.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Meeting A Man From A Motortrain
So today is really mondane. I have finished all of my work and I am feeling so bored. The sad thing is I am just not really into working here anymore. It feels weird since I know very well that my time here is almost over.
I met with my bosses today about who will be taking over my position after I leave and I have to say it all felt so surreal. I kept thinking about how inexperienced I was with everything before I started here and how much I have grown over these past few years. Its amazing to look at how your mentality develops from lazy college student to a knowledged and indispensible employee. I can't wait to learn all the neat things that will come from NIH.
I have decided to continue doing the publications at least for a brief time. It will be a great way for me to pick up some extra income and since we already have a hard enough time affording everything having something extra coming in every month will be just the thing I think.
Oh I have this cool idea for a future nursery. Whenever we do have a kid my idea is all about stars. Like I would do a celestial theme and at the top as a border we could do song lyrics that talk about the sun, stars, moon, etc. so far I have these:
- " And we all shine on with the moon, the stars, and the sun"
Instant Karma by the Beatles
- "Theres a Starman waiting in the sky; he'd like to come and see us but he thinks he'll blow our minds"
Starman D. Bowie
I am trying to come up something that incorporates music. Like I think that music is something that Stan and I are so passionate about and so I think it would be neat to use that as a basis. The only problem is there isn't really any nursery stuff that is music oriented (that I found). So I was thinking that we would do a whole nighty night thing where we incorporate music in the room with lyrics or something along those lines. Like make a door sign that says "Golden Slumbers".
It doesn't really matter at this point since I think Stan and I pretty much have an agreement that now is really not a good time for a baby since I will have this new job and wont have the leave to have a baby. I am thinking we will do one more cycle in January (if I can) and then if its a no maybe we will wait until the summer. I am just thinking about trying to do my best in my career right now and whenever baby comes along I will assume that the timing was right. But for now its time to focus on me. Maybe that's what all this stuff has been about. I have lost weight but its been for a baby and there is no denying that. And now that I have brighter things on the horizon I can't just ignore the fact that this time in my life is still all about me ok well me and Stan but that's great. We have the opportunity to enjoy one another and can get all our baby urges out by spoiling our awesome nephew and Beth's super wonder girls.
I love how my mind always does this complete 180 and I will firmly believe the opposite of what I believed yesterday. I am just going to concentrate on the path I am on right now and the other stuff can follow when the timing is right. I mean Stan & I have been obsessed with me getting pregnant ever since we got married. Its just nice for us right now to not have that pressure both financially and personally. I mean I am totally not ready to wake up every couple of hours and then go into work on like no sleep.
I have been waiting on this 306 form that I am supposed to fill out for the job and then it should also give me all the information on everything I will need for my first day. I am going to miss working with Stan though. Although we have decided to drive in together to conserve on gas and I think it will be a good way to have some extra quality time too.
I met with my bosses today about who will be taking over my position after I leave and I have to say it all felt so surreal. I kept thinking about how inexperienced I was with everything before I started here and how much I have grown over these past few years. Its amazing to look at how your mentality develops from lazy college student to a knowledged and indispensible employee. I can't wait to learn all the neat things that will come from NIH.
I have decided to continue doing the publications at least for a brief time. It will be a great way for me to pick up some extra income and since we already have a hard enough time affording everything having something extra coming in every month will be just the thing I think.
Oh I have this cool idea for a future nursery. Whenever we do have a kid my idea is all about stars. Like I would do a celestial theme and at the top as a border we could do song lyrics that talk about the sun, stars, moon, etc. so far I have these:
- " And we all shine on with the moon, the stars, and the sun"
Instant Karma by the Beatles
- "Theres a Starman waiting in the sky; he'd like to come and see us but he thinks he'll blow our minds"
Starman D. Bowie
I am trying to come up something that incorporates music. Like I think that music is something that Stan and I are so passionate about and so I think it would be neat to use that as a basis. The only problem is there isn't really any nursery stuff that is music oriented (that I found). So I was thinking that we would do a whole nighty night thing where we incorporate music in the room with lyrics or something along those lines. Like make a door sign that says "Golden Slumbers".
It doesn't really matter at this point since I think Stan and I pretty much have an agreement that now is really not a good time for a baby since I will have this new job and wont have the leave to have a baby. I am thinking we will do one more cycle in January (if I can) and then if its a no maybe we will wait until the summer. I am just thinking about trying to do my best in my career right now and whenever baby comes along I will assume that the timing was right. But for now its time to focus on me. Maybe that's what all this stuff has been about. I have lost weight but its been for a baby and there is no denying that. And now that I have brighter things on the horizon I can't just ignore the fact that this time in my life is still all about me ok well me and Stan but that's great. We have the opportunity to enjoy one another and can get all our baby urges out by spoiling our awesome nephew and Beth's super wonder girls.
I love how my mind always does this complete 180 and I will firmly believe the opposite of what I believed yesterday. I am just going to concentrate on the path I am on right now and the other stuff can follow when the timing is right. I mean Stan & I have been obsessed with me getting pregnant ever since we got married. Its just nice for us right now to not have that pressure both financially and personally. I mean I am totally not ready to wake up every couple of hours and then go into work on like no sleep.
I have been waiting on this 306 form that I am supposed to fill out for the job and then it should also give me all the information on everything I will need for my first day. I am going to miss working with Stan though. Although we have decided to drive in together to conserve on gas and I think it will be a good way to have some extra quality time too.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Don't Let Me Down
"Who Amoung Us Would Have Our Skin Changed & Stand In His Place?"
I got the job!!! My last day at Graphic Visions/Joan Carol is on January 4th!!. Its crazy because I have off on Monday and Tuesday for holiday stuff and I had off yesterday and Christmas Eve so I have 4 days off during my 2 week notice period. Its basically one week. In fact tomorrow will be exactly one week. They haven't found anyone to replace me as of yet which makes me really nervous since there is a lot of training involved with my job. I am trying to talk Bill into paying me $1000.00 a month to continue doing the magazines on a part time basis. That extra $500 every two weeks will really come in handy for Stan and I. I was thinking of the 1000.00 a month as a way where we could pay our mortgage like all we would have to do is add $800.00 to the $1000.00 and we are covered which we will easily have in one pay period. So keep your fingers crossed. I will find out tomorrow for sure what we are going to do in terms of that and then I guess I will find out who is going to cover me here.
I called my friend Lisa about the whole thing this morning. I started feeling really guilty about leaving and giving notice over the holidays especially because this is the first Christmas for Bill without his daughter (who died over this past summer). Lisa was just telling me that I have to do what is good for me and that I did my responsibility by giving my two weeks now they need to fulfill their responsibilty by coming up with some alternative.
I am really proud of myself for getting the job and everything. I really walked in there with all sorts of pride and everything. I just feel great about that and a little crummy about leaving GVA the way it is now. I always do this where I am really excited to leave but then when I am about to leave I start thinking about all I am leaving behind and I feel sad.
So as far as health and baby stuff I have some great news I OVULATED WITHOUT ASSISTANCE!!! Its kinda played a second fiddle to this whole new job thing since now that I have a new job the timing for a baby is really off. I just was excited to see my body positively responding to everything that we are doing. I am so proud of my body for this biological feat. Our bodies are so cool. I am so amazed at all the things that our bodies are able to do without any problems its just baffleing ha I just thought about the fact that these thoughts are coming from my brain and that my brain is firing messages to my digitorum muscle so that I can type all of this etc which means that my brain is being all narcassitic. Does that make sence like my body is talking about how amazed it is with itself.
Ok so after that side note, I have decided that I am going to continue with my nutrition and everything but that I am going to take a holiday break (which is until after the new year). I figure leaving a job is stressful and that going to another job will be a great time for me to make really positive changes in my life. So I am not making this as a New Year's resolution but I think I have done an excellent job this year and I have grown so much and a little break is a great way to acknowledge how far I have come. Plus as I said I have all these new goals that are linked to me having this new job and I think putting all these changes into effect (and using the job as fuel) at the same time will be great for the overall me. Plus it should help me to feel more confident. I am also feeling a little demotivated since I have the job so I am thinking that a break from all this fertility stuff will be a great way to get myself refocused.
I am ready to go home but I think I may leave here around 3:30 or so. I like leaving here early so I can go home, cook dinner, and play with my Sugar Booger.
Oooh also I am going to post a lot of Christmas photos soon so be sure to check back for that...
Goals for this week:
MAKE IT THROUGH UNTIL I GET TO MY NEXT JOB
I got the job!!! My last day at Graphic Visions/Joan Carol is on January 4th!!. Its crazy because I have off on Monday and Tuesday for holiday stuff and I had off yesterday and Christmas Eve so I have 4 days off during my 2 week notice period. Its basically one week. In fact tomorrow will be exactly one week. They haven't found anyone to replace me as of yet which makes me really nervous since there is a lot of training involved with my job. I am trying to talk Bill into paying me $1000.00 a month to continue doing the magazines on a part time basis. That extra $500 every two weeks will really come in handy for Stan and I. I was thinking of the 1000.00 a month as a way where we could pay our mortgage like all we would have to do is add $800.00 to the $1000.00 and we are covered which we will easily have in one pay period. So keep your fingers crossed. I will find out tomorrow for sure what we are going to do in terms of that and then I guess I will find out who is going to cover me here.
I called my friend Lisa about the whole thing this morning. I started feeling really guilty about leaving and giving notice over the holidays especially because this is the first Christmas for Bill without his daughter (who died over this past summer). Lisa was just telling me that I have to do what is good for me and that I did my responsibility by giving my two weeks now they need to fulfill their responsibilty by coming up with some alternative.
I am really proud of myself for getting the job and everything. I really walked in there with all sorts of pride and everything. I just feel great about that and a little crummy about leaving GVA the way it is now. I always do this where I am really excited to leave but then when I am about to leave I start thinking about all I am leaving behind and I feel sad.
So as far as health and baby stuff I have some great news I OVULATED WITHOUT ASSISTANCE!!! Its kinda played a second fiddle to this whole new job thing since now that I have a new job the timing for a baby is really off. I just was excited to see my body positively responding to everything that we are doing. I am so proud of my body for this biological feat. Our bodies are so cool. I am so amazed at all the things that our bodies are able to do without any problems its just baffleing ha I just thought about the fact that these thoughts are coming from my brain and that my brain is firing messages to my digitorum muscle so that I can type all of this etc which means that my brain is being all narcassitic. Does that make sence like my body is talking about how amazed it is with itself.
Ok so after that side note, I have decided that I am going to continue with my nutrition and everything but that I am going to take a holiday break (which is until after the new year). I figure leaving a job is stressful and that going to another job will be a great time for me to make really positive changes in my life. So I am not making this as a New Year's resolution but I think I have done an excellent job this year and I have grown so much and a little break is a great way to acknowledge how far I have come. Plus as I said I have all these new goals that are linked to me having this new job and I think putting all these changes into effect (and using the job as fuel) at the same time will be great for the overall me. Plus it should help me to feel more confident. I am also feeling a little demotivated since I have the job so I am thinking that a break from all this fertility stuff will be a great way to get myself refocused.
I am ready to go home but I think I may leave here around 3:30 or so. I like leaving here early so I can go home, cook dinner, and play with my Sugar Booger.
Oooh also I am going to post a lot of Christmas photos soon so be sure to check back for that...
Goals for this week:
MAKE IT THROUGH UNTIL I GET TO MY NEXT JOB
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Our First Anniversary-December 16,2007
I Love Mr. Bear
Antrim the next morning view from our back porch
Our morning Butler with muffins and OJ
Our bed at Antrim 1844 in the Boucher Suite all made up with Wibby & Boo at the bottom
Mr. & Mrs. Bear laying in bed What were we doing? Playing Bubble blaster on our cellphone
The top of our Wedding Cake Stan said "Don't you eat that Mrs. Bear"
You Say You Want A Revolution
That song is stuck in my head so thus the name.
I have been doing alright with my dairy stuff. I did drink like a half a glass of milk yesterday though. I think the NIH job thing makes me feel less inspired to get my body ready for a baby. Or maybe I am just having one of those unmotivated months. What worries me is I have noticed a weight gain which I always hate. It maked you feel like you are going backwards because you have to lose that poundage all over again. Well today I am feeling a little tired and there is nothing to do here so instead of sitting around here waiting for something to do I am going to go to GVA and actually be busy. I am coming here tomorrow anyway so I can catch up more then.
I am thinking about having a New Years Party called "You Say You Want A Resolution" ok I am really not that clever I got that from the e-vite thing. But it sounds totally awesome I want to invite people over and have different stations that represent different vices and for that one night we all can indulge. It will be nice. They had a cool suggestion of having a poker game going on for the whole gambling vice and some sweets out for those who want to give up their sweet tooth. If I do this I could call all of the guests and find out what they are giving up for New Years and if noone comes more food for me. This actually has sparked me to think about what my resolution will be for the coming year. Here I am 30 pounds lighter so I must have done something right in 2007!
More on that as the story develops...
Also there is a super cool thing on washingtonpost. com and usatoday.com where you can find the candidate that is right for you based on your views. Ha I actually got the most liberal democratic candidate there is. He is like the super far left who dosen't stand a chance. They give you a couple to choose from. And you can weigh the issues so the candidate who reflect what you feel is important the most will appear. Its great give it a try.
I have been doing alright with my dairy stuff. I did drink like a half a glass of milk yesterday though. I think the NIH job thing makes me feel less inspired to get my body ready for a baby. Or maybe I am just having one of those unmotivated months. What worries me is I have noticed a weight gain which I always hate. It maked you feel like you are going backwards because you have to lose that poundage all over again. Well today I am feeling a little tired and there is nothing to do here so instead of sitting around here waiting for something to do I am going to go to GVA and actually be busy. I am coming here tomorrow anyway so I can catch up more then.
I am thinking about having a New Years Party called "You Say You Want A Resolution" ok I am really not that clever I got that from the e-vite thing. But it sounds totally awesome I want to invite people over and have different stations that represent different vices and for that one night we all can indulge. It will be nice. They had a cool suggestion of having a poker game going on for the whole gambling vice and some sweets out for those who want to give up their sweet tooth. If I do this I could call all of the guests and find out what they are giving up for New Years and if noone comes more food for me. This actually has sparked me to think about what my resolution will be for the coming year. Here I am 30 pounds lighter so I must have done something right in 2007!
More on that as the story develops...
Also there is a super cool thing on washingtonpost. com and usatoday.com where you can find the candidate that is right for you based on your views. Ha I actually got the most liberal democratic candidate there is. He is like the super far left who dosen't stand a chance. They give you a couple to choose from. And you can weigh the issues so the candidate who reflect what you feel is important the most will appear. Its great give it a try.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Some Meaningless Jabber...
It was so nice to have our first anniversary and once we got to Antrim it was as if we had jsut been married a couple of days ago. I kept accidently saying something about going on our honeymoon. Its weird to think we have gone through a full year together as husband and wife. There are all of these endearing things that Stan does and I am just so lucky to be with him (of course I think he is pretty darn lucky to be with me). Its just great to think about how compatable we both really are. And it made me really think about my life with Stan and I went right back into that mindset that we are good without a baby. I remembered being in that same bed with him wondering if we were going to get pregnant that night. Which looking back on that thought is so funny to me now. I just know so much more about conception (although noone really knows a lot about conception I think) but I have come very far.
Having said that, I think about William and how amazing it is to watch him learn and solve.
Having said that, I think about William and how amazing it is to watch him learn and solve.
Recapping the weekend/This weeks goals
Ahh to sum up the weekend. I didn't actually do too well this weekend in terms of avoiding my dairy intake and taking my vitamins. This weekend was our first anniversary which I will post some pics of our suite and everything later but for now I will focus more on the food stuff. So look for an additional blog on our first anniversary later.
So from Friday through yesterday I wasn't the best at not eating dairy. It was actually a huge issue with me because we had a game night on Friday night where we made sour cream & onion dip which I of course had and then I made brownies and I had one of those. The one good thing that came from Friday was to cut out on the dairy I was eating I didn't put any cheese in my stuffed hot dog. I know it isn't much but hey its the little things.
Saturday- I ate pretty well for lunch. I had Chicken noodles & sauce which I didn't put any butter in so it was dairy free then I started to graze and ended up having some left over dip and a small piece of brownie. For dinner on Saturday we went to Bethh's Christmas party and I ate one of the chicken caeser wraps which had the creamy caser dressing and some grated cheese inside. I tried to pick out the cheese and didn't really use too muc h of the dressing but I kinda failed on that one. In addition I had one of the small chicken salad things and I ended up feeling guilty because of the mayo. Even though I do have to say that Saturday wasn't too too bad. oh yeah when I got home late that night I made myself a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich--not any dairy there but I was eating late so thats a huge no-no.
And now for Sunday. For lunch on Sunday I was really craving Don Pablos so Stan & I went there after we did some Christmas shopping at Target. He absent mindedly got the blanco dip and I thought to myself "everything in moderation" so I had a little blanco on some nachos every now and then and really tried to just eat the chips and salsa. Then when my fajitas came I had a little sour cream on them and then no cheese at all. So I think even though I was cheating I did good in terms of lunch. That night, we went to Antrim (where we got married) to celebrate our anniversary and had a super wonderful dinner there. I got the crab cake as a starter and then there was a salad (which already was cheeseless) and then for the dinner I got a bousin steak thing. Anyway it was really good and the sauce was excellent. Stan got the calliflower soup which was so good I wish I had a bowl of that. We actually split our appetizers together and then we got the same main course so that was all mine. There was mashed potatos on the side which was so reministant of our wedding well so was the boursin since we asked that they put boursin cheese in our mashed potatos. Anyway the meal was great and at the end they brought out a sampler of desserts. They too were really tasty and choc-full of dairy. I wasn't too upset though since I had talked to Paulette, my nutritionist, on Friday and we had agreed that Christmas and my anniversary are free for me to eat how I want. I just have to balance this out with more catiousness.
Oh and when I met with Paulette on Friday we set a goal of me working out at least one day this week. I know that sounds lame like I am so not committed to working out that I have to set such an easily attainable goal. When I first started trying to lose weight it was small goals like this that really made the difference to me. Starting out slow made sure I knew I could do it then the habit kionda creeps up in your brain and you feel totally capable of achieveing more than just that small goal. I am going to go to the gym on Wednesday this week. I think its a perfect time because I usually get out of Joan Carol around 4 or so and then I can go straight there and be home by the time that Stan gets home around 7.
So from Friday through yesterday I wasn't the best at not eating dairy. It was actually a huge issue with me because we had a game night on Friday night where we made sour cream & onion dip which I of course had and then I made brownies and I had one of those. The one good thing that came from Friday was to cut out on the dairy I was eating I didn't put any cheese in my stuffed hot dog. I know it isn't much but hey its the little things.
Saturday- I ate pretty well for lunch. I had Chicken noodles & sauce which I didn't put any butter in so it was dairy free then I started to graze and ended up having some left over dip and a small piece of brownie. For dinner on Saturday we went to Bethh's Christmas party and I ate one of the chicken caeser wraps which had the creamy caser dressing and some grated cheese inside. I tried to pick out the cheese and didn't really use too muc h of the dressing but I kinda failed on that one. In addition I had one of the small chicken salad things and I ended up feeling guilty because of the mayo. Even though I do have to say that Saturday wasn't too too bad. oh yeah when I got home late that night I made myself a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich--not any dairy there but I was eating late so thats a huge no-no.
And now for Sunday. For lunch on Sunday I was really craving Don Pablos so Stan & I went there after we did some Christmas shopping at Target. He absent mindedly got the blanco dip and I thought to myself "everything in moderation" so I had a little blanco on some nachos every now and then and really tried to just eat the chips and salsa. Then when my fajitas came I had a little sour cream on them and then no cheese at all. So I think even though I was cheating I did good in terms of lunch. That night, we went to Antrim (where we got married) to celebrate our anniversary and had a super wonderful dinner there. I got the crab cake as a starter and then there was a salad (which already was cheeseless) and then for the dinner I got a bousin steak thing. Anyway it was really good and the sauce was excellent. Stan got the calliflower soup which was so good I wish I had a bowl of that. We actually split our appetizers together and then we got the same main course so that was all mine. There was mashed potatos on the side which was so reministant of our wedding well so was the boursin since we asked that they put boursin cheese in our mashed potatos. Anyway the meal was great and at the end they brought out a sampler of desserts. They too were really tasty and choc-full of dairy. I wasn't too upset though since I had talked to Paulette, my nutritionist, on Friday and we had agreed that Christmas and my anniversary are free for me to eat how I want. I just have to balance this out with more catiousness.
Oh and when I met with Paulette on Friday we set a goal of me working out at least one day this week. I know that sounds lame like I am so not committed to working out that I have to set such an easily attainable goal. When I first started trying to lose weight it was small goals like this that really made the difference to me. Starting out slow made sure I knew I could do it then the habit kionda creeps up in your brain and you feel totally capable of achieveing more than just that small goal. I am going to go to the gym on Wednesday this week. I think its a perfect time because I usually get out of Joan Carol around 4 or so and then I can go straight there and be home by the time that Stan gets home around 7.
My Goals for This week:
- Do not miss any doses of medicine
-begin taking metformin again (2 pills a day)
- Take multi-vitamin everyday
- Work Out 1 Day This week (Wednesday)
- Take sug out for 2 nightly long walks
-cook dinner at home
-avoid dairy
-Eat Healthier Lunches
Thursday, December 13, 2007
All Over the Thought of Mother/ In Memory of Pastor Wyatt
ok now that my day 1 & day 2 blog part is over I can get into the real stuff. Oh that's my plan by the way to blog my goals and my progress in addition to my thoughts, feelings, and daily stuff.
Still no word from NIH on the job. That is actually making me more nervous. I keep thinking if I had the job that they would probally have called me by now. I keep calling my home answering machine from work and checking my messages but still there is nothing. It hasn't even been a week yet, I need to keep reminding myself of all of that.
It was so great yesterday to hang out with Audre and Angie. I felt bad for Audre though she was so sick and I kept wanting to do something for her like tuck her in or something. Still it was nice to get to see them. I never get to see Angie so it was so nice to get to talk to her and watch the wedding DVD and stuff.
Which reminds me the pastor who married us, Pastor Wyatt passed away on November 26th but we didn't find out about it until late last night when Stan was reading the church bulletin. The bulletin said he died after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. He has done a lot of stuff with the Murgolo family like he married John and Maggie and Christened William. Its also really scarey. My Grandma Shirley got diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in August and she has been really battling it. Actually its weird that he has passed away from the same disease that she has and she seems to be really improving because he was so young to have already died. He was only in his 50(s) or 60(s) or something. And she is like 72. All of this makes me really grateful that she went to johns hopkins for care. Maybe it really was John's Hopkins that saved her life and maybe if Pastor Wyatt had gone there he would have live too. Actually I know that isn't true. I don't know near enough details to know if that would have saved his life or not. Perhaps because he is so young his diagnosis came just a little too late and the cancer had taken too much to salvage. Pancreatic cancer is supposed to be really agressive.
What really concerns me is Stan's reactions to all of this death (Stan's friend's father just passed away from a cancer that spread to his brain). His panic disorder seems to be getting a little bad again. With all of this death I think it pushes him right back into that scared mentality about his own mortality. I can't say that I know exactly what he is going through but I have had times where I think about myself and the eventual truth that I too will have to face death and my brain goes right to that "fight or flight" place. For my own sanity though I have resolved to not really think too much about it. I figure that focusing on my own death will only serve the purpose of ruining my life. You know suddenly you think about how you could get this and die or such and such could happen to you and you'd die so trying to save yourself you avoid everything. I know that Stan can't get to the point where I am alone. I wonder if the fact that he is older than me makes a difference maybe when I am 30 I will have this whole big revalation about my life and its end.
Ok now to talk about new life. I have been thinking about my recent lack-luster about babies, and I have come to the conclusion that because I have been manipulaiting my own thoughts (to make myself feel better I have been reminding myself off the hook about the nicer things about a childless life). So I am going back to getting myself focused and letting my heart take over a little. I am ready to try in January so I have got to get my body to the point that it needs to be and then I have to keep it there no matter what I have to give up. I look at pictures of babies and keep getting news of all these people who are pregnant and I just keep smiling and biding my time. I always have those bad thoughts though you know the "what if it never happens?" .
I seriously wonder what will happen with just one ovary left. And to top it all off I think about how much I didn't know before and that if I had just known then what I know now than I would have saved that ovary. Its funny whenever I think about how the other one is gone it makes me feel empty or incomplete in some way. It just missing or it feels like its missing. Like thinking about it makes me really sense its lack of presence. I need to do what I have to do to keep this one and if that means no more dairy forever than I will have to say goodbye forever. I am happy with Stan & I but I just can't wait until we have a baby. Perhaps its because all of these other people have babies and I feel really left out or perhaps I wonder what features the baby will have of Stan's and what of mine. Even still it could be what a baby symbolizes the dawn or the beginning of something. Not that our marriage didn't symbolize that. Just that here is this tiny little person looking at you for everything and you, unselfishly abide. I want that little person to know that I will be there no matter what. This is crazy now I am getting all hyper emotional all over the thought of mother.
Still no word from NIH on the job. That is actually making me more nervous. I keep thinking if I had the job that they would probally have called me by now. I keep calling my home answering machine from work and checking my messages but still there is nothing. It hasn't even been a week yet, I need to keep reminding myself of all of that.
It was so great yesterday to hang out with Audre and Angie. I felt bad for Audre though she was so sick and I kept wanting to do something for her like tuck her in or something. Still it was nice to get to see them. I never get to see Angie so it was so nice to get to talk to her and watch the wedding DVD and stuff.
Which reminds me the pastor who married us, Pastor Wyatt passed away on November 26th but we didn't find out about it until late last night when Stan was reading the church bulletin. The bulletin said he died after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. He has done a lot of stuff with the Murgolo family like he married John and Maggie and Christened William. Its also really scarey. My Grandma Shirley got diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in August and she has been really battling it. Actually its weird that he has passed away from the same disease that she has and she seems to be really improving because he was so young to have already died. He was only in his 50(s) or 60(s) or something. And she is like 72. All of this makes me really grateful that she went to johns hopkins for care. Maybe it really was John's Hopkins that saved her life and maybe if Pastor Wyatt had gone there he would have live too. Actually I know that isn't true. I don't know near enough details to know if that would have saved his life or not. Perhaps because he is so young his diagnosis came just a little too late and the cancer had taken too much to salvage. Pancreatic cancer is supposed to be really agressive.
What really concerns me is Stan's reactions to all of this death (Stan's friend's father just passed away from a cancer that spread to his brain). His panic disorder seems to be getting a little bad again. With all of this death I think it pushes him right back into that scared mentality about his own mortality. I can't say that I know exactly what he is going through but I have had times where I think about myself and the eventual truth that I too will have to face death and my brain goes right to that "fight or flight" place. For my own sanity though I have resolved to not really think too much about it. I figure that focusing on my own death will only serve the purpose of ruining my life. You know suddenly you think about how you could get this and die or such and such could happen to you and you'd die so trying to save yourself you avoid everything. I know that Stan can't get to the point where I am alone. I wonder if the fact that he is older than me makes a difference maybe when I am 30 I will have this whole big revalation about my life and its end.
Ok now to talk about new life. I have been thinking about my recent lack-luster about babies, and I have come to the conclusion that because I have been manipulaiting my own thoughts (to make myself feel better I have been reminding myself off the hook about the nicer things about a childless life). So I am going back to getting myself focused and letting my heart take over a little. I am ready to try in January so I have got to get my body to the point that it needs to be and then I have to keep it there no matter what I have to give up. I look at pictures of babies and keep getting news of all these people who are pregnant and I just keep smiling and biding my time. I always have those bad thoughts though you know the "what if it never happens?" .
I seriously wonder what will happen with just one ovary left. And to top it all off I think about how much I didn't know before and that if I had just known then what I know now than I would have saved that ovary. Its funny whenever I think about how the other one is gone it makes me feel empty or incomplete in some way. It just missing or it feels like its missing. Like thinking about it makes me really sense its lack of presence. I need to do what I have to do to keep this one and if that means no more dairy forever than I will have to say goodbye forever. I am happy with Stan & I but I just can't wait until we have a baby. Perhaps its because all of these other people have babies and I feel really left out or perhaps I wonder what features the baby will have of Stan's and what of mine. Even still it could be what a baby symbolizes the dawn or the beginning of something. Not that our marriage didn't symbolize that. Just that here is this tiny little person looking at you for everything and you, unselfishly abide. I want that little person to know that I will be there no matter what. This is crazy now I am getting all hyper emotional all over the thought of mother.
Recap Day 1/Day 2
So yesterday I did good. Audre and Angie came over for dinner and we went out to Pei Wei which not only has the super yummiest food ever but it is all non-dairy. So far I have been doing great I have had no dairy for 1 1/2 days and I am not worried at all. OF course I really miss chocolate but I am ok with not having it right now because I know I will have some cake for our anniversary on the 16th. Its tradition and its cake so you know I am going to have my wedding cake no matter what. Like I said before holidays are totally free!
My goals for today (Day 2): Take 3 doses of my chinese medicine, still no dairy, make a healthy dinner for Stan & Me.
My goals for today (Day 2): Take 3 doses of my chinese medicine, still no dairy, make a healthy dinner for Stan & Me.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Day 1
Ok so I have decided to blog my next cycle to get all of my ideas and thoughts so that as I go through periods where I just want to give up I can always remind myself of how far I have already come and where I am going. I know not really of interest to the public but what can I say I give.....Anyway ON WITH THE SHOW
Day 1: Dairy Free breakfast, I took my prenatal vitamin this morning and started back on the metformin just 1 pill a day again for the next two weeks that way I can really build my system up to it instead of making myself sick. I took my first dose of buplerum this morning and I am keeping an additional bottle in the car so that I will always have my second dose with me. I take 3 pills three times a day. Also I figure I will set a weight loss goal for this cycle. In the past I have found that whenever I have a month off usually I let myself go. In October I planned to have the month off and I really kicked butt getting ready and lo and behold I did a cycle. So this month I am back on it. My weight loss goal will be to get in the mid to low 230(s) by my next cycle. That gives me roughly 26 days to lose about 10 pounds. I think that is do-able and it allows for holiday yummys to enjoy!! By the way I am taking off on the 24 & 25th no diets on holidays. Lord knows with family in town and all the craziness (and by that I mean stress) that surrounds the holidays just knowing I will be able to eat a friken cookie on the 24th will get me through I am sure.
I may leave early today like around 3 or so
Day 1: Dairy Free breakfast, I took my prenatal vitamin this morning and started back on the metformin just 1 pill a day again for the next two weeks that way I can really build my system up to it instead of making myself sick. I took my first dose of buplerum this morning and I am keeping an additional bottle in the car so that I will always have my second dose with me. I take 3 pills three times a day. Also I figure I will set a weight loss goal for this cycle. In the past I have found that whenever I have a month off usually I let myself go. In October I planned to have the month off and I really kicked butt getting ready and lo and behold I did a cycle. So this month I am back on it. My weight loss goal will be to get in the mid to low 230(s) by my next cycle. That gives me roughly 26 days to lose about 10 pounds. I think that is do-able and it allows for holiday yummys to enjoy!! By the way I am taking off on the 24 & 25th no diets on holidays. Lord knows with family in town and all the craziness (and by that I mean stress) that surrounds the holidays just knowing I will be able to eat a friken cookie on the 24th will get me through I am sure.
I may leave early today like around 3 or so
Perhaps Not?
Generally in my job there isn't too much downtime, but today there is. Oh by the way I am not in the fashion industry I just thought it sounded cool. Anyways, today and yesterday I have been laid back days. I actually prefer to have more work though. I know when I am busy I always want people to stop pulling me this way and that but at least the time goes by fast. It seems when I have nothing to do that time just drags on and on.
So I am on Day 4 of my cycle and I am glad that my hormones are cooling down a lot. I was beginning to scare myself with all that rollercoaster emotions stuff. Since I have a brand new cyst I am back on the Chinese Medicine and have to say goodbye to dairy. Its funny the difference between now and last month. When I first started my last cycle I would have done anything to make this possible. Now with everything that is going on with my professional life (maybe a new career at NIH) I have been thinking that maybe now isn't the time. Its like I have this mini debate in my head about all this baby stuff. On the one hand I really want to have a baby and can't wait on the other I am developing myself professionally and growing in all these neat ways. I have a million reasons for either side. Recently I have just decided to let my body make all the decisions, if I am ready (like last month) my body will know if not well I move in a different direction. So what's the problem? I think my obsessive focus on having a baby was what has been really driving me to lose the weight, take the medicine, etc. I worry that my lack of interest will out weigh my need to get my body ready and then I will undo all of my progress.
Perhaps if I go back to my inital thoughts on having a baby and look into the "fire" that I had back then I will remind myself of my goal. Now after the million rejections its easy to feel ready to give up for a while.
So I am on Day 4 of my cycle and I am glad that my hormones are cooling down a lot. I was beginning to scare myself with all that rollercoaster emotions stuff. Since I have a brand new cyst I am back on the Chinese Medicine and have to say goodbye to dairy. Its funny the difference between now and last month. When I first started my last cycle I would have done anything to make this possible. Now with everything that is going on with my professional life (maybe a new career at NIH) I have been thinking that maybe now isn't the time. Its like I have this mini debate in my head about all this baby stuff. On the one hand I really want to have a baby and can't wait on the other I am developing myself professionally and growing in all these neat ways. I have a million reasons for either side. Recently I have just decided to let my body make all the decisions, if I am ready (like last month) my body will know if not well I move in a different direction. So what's the problem? I think my obsessive focus on having a baby was what has been really driving me to lose the weight, take the medicine, etc. I worry that my lack of interest will out weigh my need to get my body ready and then I will undo all of my progress.
Perhaps if I go back to my inital thoughts on having a baby and look into the "fire" that I had back then I will remind myself of my goal. Now after the million rejections its easy to feel ready to give up for a while.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Blogging: Square One
I decided that since I rarely use my account at sparkpeople I would move my entries into an offical blog. Its funny I went back and read my entries from March and I think about the progress I have made this year, how much my life has changed and I think its a good time for me to keep a continuous record of my thoughts throughout this whole process (if for nothing else so I can read these entries later and make fun of my states of mind.)
Catch Up time: This past year I have discovered that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and that this was going to make it really hard for me to get pregnant. I have been going to see a fertility specialist and had to wait something like 6 months on birth control because I had a large cyst on my Right ovary (I only have one now thanks to another large cyst). I waited and nothing seemed to be getting better so I talked with my nutritionist who also is an herbalist and she gave me something to take that makes cyst go away. And it did! I got to do my first cycle in November and it wasn't successful. Now that we are all caught up...AWWWWWAY We go!
Of course in the beginning of this year I was obsessed with the idea of having a baby but as the year has rolled on I've been appreciating my time alone with my husband more. I have realized that my reasons for being so driven to have a baby were not actually the best reasons, and I think through this whole journey I have learned a lot about control (Ha I said that like the journey is over or something). As laid back as I percieve myself to be I am still obsessed with this idea of controlling every aspect of my life. Like fate is supposed to listen to me! I have recently realized that I can't control this there are too many little factors that I have nothing to do with. So this year I am working on letting go. It funny I have been focusing on factors that I can control and letting the rest go. Well that not the funny part, the funny part is I always envision myself (my little Madonna fantasy) holding the baby and I have really long pretty hair. So I have been growing out my hair and managing it really nicely. I imagine myself to be an active mother so I have been working on broadening my interests and losing weight.
I have been thinking back on the year so far and I am just amazed at how letting go a little has made a huge difference. It still stings to know that I have another cyst now and will have to work really hard this month to be able to do a cycle next month, but there is a difference now. I actually completed a cycle. I was cyst free. I just got so caught up in going all the way that I lost my fire to get there and started eating dairy again and not really monitoring my sugars & trans fats.
Stan mentioned something today about being back to square one since I have another huge cyst on my ovary and I have to sit out another cycle. That's the thing I can't go back to square one. Square One is never having completed a cycle, square one is not knowing how important the diet is to the body, square one is not facing my own demons. I am way beyond square one! Over this past year alone I have been able to lose 30 pounds! I have never done that before. I have learned about how essential nutrition really is and knowing this my children will not have the same problems I have had in the past. Over this past year I realized how truly lucky I am to have the amount of self esteem that I have and how sad it is that most people don't feel that way about themselves. I am not pregnant but that doesn't mean that amazing things aren't happening in my life right now. I'm a newlywed and 3 years ago I would have never thought this of myself right now. Stan and I are so in love with one another and we have a super cute Bishon Frise who just adores us. I have great friends who despite my selfish actions are so loving and caring and just stand by me. And if that weren't enough joy in one life I just went on a second interview for a government job that just feels so perfect for me!
Looking at my nephew, William (who is super cute and always so smiley), I think about how much he has changed in these past 9 months: all the things he has learned to do, and the person who is emerging from him everyday and I think about myself (once you get to know me you'll know that's what I do I see something and the first thought that pops in my head is how it relates to me) anyways I think about myself the changes that I have had over the past year. Things I have learned, projects I have messed up or failed at, and things I have succeeded in, and I realize how young I still am. All those things out there that is still yet to learn and explore. Its amazing we spend so much of our lives trying to prove ourselves as adults but we never really realize how infantile we truley are. I mean that in a good way. We are infantile because there is a whole world out there still to explore full of customs and languages that we don't understand. All the things we don't know about ourselves and bodys. Most people have no idea how their body even works. I am thinking of myself now as a baby still who has so many more things ahead. So what if I can't have what I want the second I command it. I am so proud of my growth this year and just like William I am still learning how to live in this world.
With that in mind it is past 4 and I want to get home and beat Mario Galaxy.
Paix
Catch Up time: This past year I have discovered that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and that this was going to make it really hard for me to get pregnant. I have been going to see a fertility specialist and had to wait something like 6 months on birth control because I had a large cyst on my Right ovary (I only have one now thanks to another large cyst). I waited and nothing seemed to be getting better so I talked with my nutritionist who also is an herbalist and she gave me something to take that makes cyst go away. And it did! I got to do my first cycle in November and it wasn't successful. Now that we are all caught up...AWWWWWAY We go!
Of course in the beginning of this year I was obsessed with the idea of having a baby but as the year has rolled on I've been appreciating my time alone with my husband more. I have realized that my reasons for being so driven to have a baby were not actually the best reasons, and I think through this whole journey I have learned a lot about control (Ha I said that like the journey is over or something). As laid back as I percieve myself to be I am still obsessed with this idea of controlling every aspect of my life. Like fate is supposed to listen to me! I have recently realized that I can't control this there are too many little factors that I have nothing to do with. So this year I am working on letting go. It funny I have been focusing on factors that I can control and letting the rest go. Well that not the funny part, the funny part is I always envision myself (my little Madonna fantasy) holding the baby and I have really long pretty hair. So I have been growing out my hair and managing it really nicely. I imagine myself to be an active mother so I have been working on broadening my interests and losing weight.
I have been thinking back on the year so far and I am just amazed at how letting go a little has made a huge difference. It still stings to know that I have another cyst now and will have to work really hard this month to be able to do a cycle next month, but there is a difference now. I actually completed a cycle. I was cyst free. I just got so caught up in going all the way that I lost my fire to get there and started eating dairy again and not really monitoring my sugars & trans fats.
Stan mentioned something today about being back to square one since I have another huge cyst on my ovary and I have to sit out another cycle. That's the thing I can't go back to square one. Square One is never having completed a cycle, square one is not knowing how important the diet is to the body, square one is not facing my own demons. I am way beyond square one! Over this past year alone I have been able to lose 30 pounds! I have never done that before. I have learned about how essential nutrition really is and knowing this my children will not have the same problems I have had in the past. Over this past year I realized how truly lucky I am to have the amount of self esteem that I have and how sad it is that most people don't feel that way about themselves. I am not pregnant but that doesn't mean that amazing things aren't happening in my life right now. I'm a newlywed and 3 years ago I would have never thought this of myself right now. Stan and I are so in love with one another and we have a super cute Bishon Frise who just adores us. I have great friends who despite my selfish actions are so loving and caring and just stand by me. And if that weren't enough joy in one life I just went on a second interview for a government job that just feels so perfect for me!
Looking at my nephew, William (who is super cute and always so smiley), I think about how much he has changed in these past 9 months: all the things he has learned to do, and the person who is emerging from him everyday and I think about myself (once you get to know me you'll know that's what I do I see something and the first thought that pops in my head is how it relates to me) anyways I think about myself the changes that I have had over the past year. Things I have learned, projects I have messed up or failed at, and things I have succeeded in, and I realize how young I still am. All those things out there that is still yet to learn and explore. Its amazing we spend so much of our lives trying to prove ourselves as adults but we never really realize how infantile we truley are. I mean that in a good way. We are infantile because there is a whole world out there still to explore full of customs and languages that we don't understand. All the things we don't know about ourselves and bodys. Most people have no idea how their body even works. I am thinking of myself now as a baby still who has so many more things ahead. So what if I can't have what I want the second I command it. I am so proud of my growth this year and just like William I am still learning how to live in this world.
With that in mind it is past 4 and I want to get home and beat Mario Galaxy.
Paix
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