ok now that my day 1 & day 2 blog part is over I can get into the real stuff. Oh that's my plan by the way to blog my goals and my progress in addition to my thoughts, feelings, and daily stuff.
Still no word from NIH on the job. That is actually making me more nervous. I keep thinking if I had the job that they would probally have called me by now. I keep calling my home answering machine from work and checking my messages but still there is nothing. It hasn't even been a week yet, I need to keep reminding myself of all of that.
It was so great yesterday to hang out with Audre and Angie. I felt bad for Audre though she was so sick and I kept wanting to do something for her like tuck her in or something. Still it was nice to get to see them. I never get to see Angie so it was so nice to get to talk to her and watch the wedding DVD and stuff.
Which reminds me the pastor who married us, Pastor Wyatt passed away on November 26th but we didn't find out about it until late last night when Stan was reading the church bulletin. The bulletin said he died after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. He has done a lot of stuff with the Murgolo family like he married John and Maggie and Christened William. Its also really scarey. My Grandma Shirley got diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in August and she has been really battling it. Actually its weird that he has passed away from the same disease that she has and she seems to be really improving because he was so young to have already died. He was only in his 50(s) or 60(s) or something. And she is like 72. All of this makes me really grateful that she went to johns hopkins for care. Maybe it really was John's Hopkins that saved her life and maybe if Pastor Wyatt had gone there he would have live too. Actually I know that isn't true. I don't know near enough details to know if that would have saved his life or not. Perhaps because he is so young his diagnosis came just a little too late and the cancer had taken too much to salvage. Pancreatic cancer is supposed to be really agressive.
What really concerns me is Stan's reactions to all of this death (Stan's friend's father just passed away from a cancer that spread to his brain). His panic disorder seems to be getting a little bad again. With all of this death I think it pushes him right back into that scared mentality about his own mortality. I can't say that I know exactly what he is going through but I have had times where I think about myself and the eventual truth that I too will have to face death and my brain goes right to that "fight or flight" place. For my own sanity though I have resolved to not really think too much about it. I figure that focusing on my own death will only serve the purpose of ruining my life. You know suddenly you think about how you could get this and die or such and such could happen to you and you'd die so trying to save yourself you avoid everything. I know that Stan can't get to the point where I am alone. I wonder if the fact that he is older than me makes a difference maybe when I am 30 I will have this whole big revalation about my life and its end.
Ok now to talk about new life. I have been thinking about my recent lack-luster about babies, and I have come to the conclusion that because I have been manipulaiting my own thoughts (to make myself feel better I have been reminding myself off the hook about the nicer things about a childless life). So I am going back to getting myself focused and letting my heart take over a little. I am ready to try in January so I have got to get my body to the point that it needs to be and then I have to keep it there no matter what I have to give up. I look at pictures of babies and keep getting news of all these people who are pregnant and I just keep smiling and biding my time. I always have those bad thoughts though you know the "what if it never happens?" .
I seriously wonder what will happen with just one ovary left. And to top it all off I think about how much I didn't know before and that if I had just known then what I know now than I would have saved that ovary. Its funny whenever I think about how the other one is gone it makes me feel empty or incomplete in some way. It just missing or it feels like its missing. Like thinking about it makes me really sense its lack of presence. I need to do what I have to do to keep this one and if that means no more dairy forever than I will have to say goodbye forever. I am happy with Stan & I but I just can't wait until we have a baby. Perhaps its because all of these other people have babies and I feel really left out or perhaps I wonder what features the baby will have of Stan's and what of mine. Even still it could be what a baby symbolizes the dawn or the beginning of something. Not that our marriage didn't symbolize that. Just that here is this tiny little person looking at you for everything and you, unselfishly abide. I want that little person to know that I will be there no matter what. This is crazy now I am getting all hyper emotional all over the thought of mother.
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