Perhaps Not?

Generally in my job there isn't too much downtime, but today there is. Oh by the way I am not in the fashion industry I just thought it sounded cool. Anyways, today and yesterday I have been laid back days. I actually prefer to have more work though. I know when I am busy I always want people to stop pulling me this way and that but at least the time goes by fast. It seems when I have nothing to do that time just drags on and on.

So I am on Day 4 of my cycle and I am glad that my hormones are cooling down a lot. I was beginning to scare myself with all that rollercoaster emotions stuff. Since I have a brand new cyst I am back on the Chinese Medicine and have to say goodbye to dairy. Its funny the difference between now and last month. When I first started my last cycle I would have done anything to make this possible. Now with everything that is going on with my professional life (maybe a new career at NIH) I have been thinking that maybe now isn't the time. Its like I have this mini debate in my head about all this baby stuff. On the one hand I really want to have a baby and can't wait on the other I am developing myself professionally and growing in all these neat ways. I have a million reasons for either side. Recently I have just decided to let my body make all the decisions, if I am ready (like last month) my body will know if not well I move in a different direction. So what's the problem? I think my obsessive focus on having a baby was what has been really driving me to lose the weight, take the medicine, etc. I worry that my lack of interest will out weigh my need to get my body ready and then I will undo all of my progress.
Perhaps if I go back to my inital thoughts on having a baby and look into the "fire" that I had back then I will remind myself of my goal. Now after the million rejections its easy to feel ready to give up for a while.