Blogging: Square One

I decided that since I rarely use my account at sparkpeople I would move my entries into an offical blog. Its funny I went back and read my entries from March and I think about the progress I have made this year, how much my life has changed and I think its a good time for me to keep a continuous record of my thoughts throughout this whole process (if for nothing else so I can read these entries later and make fun of my states of mind.)

Catch Up time: This past year I have discovered that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and that this was going to make it really hard for me to get pregnant. I have been going to see a fertility specialist and had to wait something like 6 months on birth control because I had a large cyst on my Right ovary (I only have one now thanks to another large cyst). I waited and nothing seemed to be getting better so I talked with my nutritionist who also is an herbalist and she gave me something to take that makes cyst go away. And it did! I got to do my first cycle in November and it wasn't successful. Now that we are all caught up...AWWWWWAY We go!

Of course in the beginning of this year I was obsessed with the idea of having a baby but as the year has rolled on I've been appreciating my time alone with my husband more. I have realized that my reasons for being so driven to have a baby were not actually the best reasons, and I think through this whole journey I have learned a lot about control (Ha I said that like the journey is over or something). As laid back as I percieve myself to be I am still obsessed with this idea of controlling every aspect of my life. Like fate is supposed to listen to me! I have recently realized that I can't control this there are too many little factors that I have nothing to do with. So this year I am working on letting go. It funny I have been focusing on factors that I can control and letting the rest go. Well that not the funny part, the funny part is I always envision myself (my little Madonna fantasy) holding the baby and I have really long pretty hair. So I have been growing out my hair and managing it really nicely. I imagine myself to be an active mother so I have been working on broadening my interests and losing weight.

I have been thinking back on the year so far and I am just amazed at how letting go a little has made a huge difference. It still stings to know that I have another cyst now and will have to work really hard this month to be able to do a cycle next month, but there is a difference now. I actually completed a cycle. I was cyst free. I just got so caught up in going all the way that I lost my fire to get there and started eating dairy again and not really monitoring my sugars & trans fats.

Stan mentioned something today about being back to square one since I have another huge cyst on my ovary and I have to sit out another cycle. That's the thing I can't go back to square one. Square One is never having completed a cycle, square one is not knowing how important the diet is to the body, square one is not facing my own demons. I am way beyond square one! Over this past year alone I have been able to lose 30 pounds! I have never done that before. I have learned about how essential nutrition really is and knowing this my children will not have the same problems I have had in the past. Over this past year I realized how truly lucky I am to have the amount of self esteem that I have and how sad it is that most people don't feel that way about themselves. I am not pregnant but that doesn't mean that amazing things aren't happening in my life right now. I'm a newlywed and 3 years ago I would have never thought this of myself right now. Stan and I are so in love with one another and we have a super cute Bishon Frise who just adores us. I have great friends who despite my selfish actions are so loving and caring and just stand by me. And if that weren't enough joy in one life I just went on a second interview for a government job that just feels so perfect for me!

Looking at my nephew, William (who is super cute and always so smiley), I think about how much he has changed in these past 9 months: all the things he has learned to do, and the person who is emerging from him everyday and I think about myself (once you get to know me you'll know that's what I do I see something and the first thought that pops in my head is how it relates to me) anyways I think about myself the changes that I have had over the past year. Things I have learned, projects I have messed up or failed at, and things I have succeeded in, and I realize how young I still am. All those things out there that is still yet to learn and explore. Its amazing we spend so much of our lives trying to prove ourselves as adults but we never really realize how infantile we truley are. I mean that in a good way. We are infantile because there is a whole world out there still to explore full of customs and languages that we don't understand. All the things we don't know about ourselves and bodys. Most people have no idea how their body even works. I am thinking of myself now as a baby still who has so many more things ahead. So what if I can't have what I want the second I command it. I am so proud of my growth this year and just like William I am still learning how to live in this world.
With that in mind it is past 4 and I want to get home and beat Mario Galaxy.

Paix