My Roots are Planted in the Past

A new month is starting tomorrow which means more new goals for short attention span me! I have really seen some positive habits form in terms of fitness recently but I have let my eating slide a lot. I have been such a little piggy so for April I am going to really focus on putting the two together and seeing how that goes.

Stan has gained weight recently too so I think it will be nice to watch after his nutrition. Somehow it seems easier to plan when it's not just for me. So everyday I am going to find a healthy reciepe to make and I am going to go to the grocery store to buy some fresh veggies to serve with dinner as a side dish. Tonight I may buy a potato to bake for Stan and since I don't really like baked potatos that much I just won't eat a carb at all or I will figure something else out. The hard part is not going overboard. I don't want to be like my mom where all of a sudden she is this huge health nut and then right back to eating like crap. I need to find that balance where I can be satisfied but still have a treat every now and then.

I remember a while ago I would research different recepies on sparkpeople and I came up with some really yummy dishes so I think I will start my search there and see what I get in the overall.

Hey-Hey

Good Morning All! Yesterday I went home and I slept all day and that really helped, I still feel pretty nasty today but not like yesterday so I am happy.

I have now reached the worst part of the whole concieveing process, the part where you still have 2 weeks to wait before you can do any kind of birth control tests. At this point my head goes back and forth saying "what if I am" and "don't get your hopes up, just be patient." I think that when I get my period it is sad because it means officially that I did not concieve but it is also a good thing because that means I am Day 1 into my next cycle which is all new opportunities. Right now, however, there is nothing I can do but waiting until Day 1 or lack thereof.

I know that if I can keep myself focused and busy here at work these thoughts will not plague me so much so I am trying to really keep myself busy. In terms of on the weekends I have so many projects that needs to be completed for my Grandma's Anniversary Party that I know I won't really be worrying too much whether or not I actually did concieve.

I have so much to do to get ready for this party but it's nice. It feels like a "good-bye" present for my Grandmother which puts more emphasis on getting everything done, plus my mom won't stop hasseling me until it is finished. Yesterday she made me take notes on everything I had left to do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIA!!!

I am really sick today like really out of it sick and I just need to go home and sleep for a while. I just feel so low energy and my eyes hurt to be open. My throat hurts and I am getting chills. The worst part about being sick right now in the month is I don't know if I am pregnant or not so I can't take anything at all. Maybe I will go home and see what rest will do for me.
I really don't want to use any leave but I think I may have to. I was thinking about sticking it out today and then taking off tomorrow but I feel like really bad I mean really really bad.

In other news, I did really well at the gym yesterday. I walked a mile and then ran .7 miles and then biked 5 miles. All in all my watch calculated that I burned 730 calories which is not too bad. Then of course I ate really fattening Wendy's but you know all in a day.

Beth called me last night and said that she landed safely in Hawaii so everything is good. I need to give her a call today because it is Julia's Birthday and I want to send a present over to her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIA!!!

Curiouser & Curiouser

Yeah I know now of at least three people who have read this delightfully nerdy blog! I should have a party for those few people who are dangerously curious enough to read my thoughts. Ok enough about others back to me (ha!)

Today I am feeling really great, I ovulated yesterday and today, and I had a super romantic evening with Stan last night. My overall feelings on having a baby have definatly started to change. Before I was obsessed, now I am still excited for what is to come but I am glad for this time that I have alone with Stan and I am appreciative of all the opportunities I have been awarded. Its funny to think that had I gotten pregnant when I wanted to I wouldn't have this job and perhaps we wouldn't have ended up with Baby Sug. It just goes to show you just because your prayers aren't answered right away doesn't mean that there isn't anyone listening. I am just feeling really lucky for all the gifts I have and I am happy for that. Also, its the Spring and I happen to love the Spring!

I think this appreciation for everything I have has been a long time coming and may have been sparked by my Grandma's grim diagnosis. I thought a lot about her last night, I wondered what was she thinking when the doctor told her (on Monday) that her cancer progressing too far and that she was in her final stages. They give her only a couple more months to live. I am scared for her, I can't believe how fast it all came on, in the course of a year she has gone from completely healthy with no problems to couple more months to live. Last night I cried for her I think I started mourning her. Its sad because these past few years she has really changed and become such a positive figure in my life. I realized how much I really do care for her and finally understood how much she cared for me. It's such a shame that now I am having to say goodbye when I feel like we have just met.

I also thought about Beth and the girls and how they have now moved away. I am going to really miss seeing Sarah & Julia grow up. It was always so nice to go over to their house and see the girls who I completely adore. I think it might be how Stan looks at William, you have this person who you have grown up with, gotten in trouble with, made jokes with, and all of a sudden they are a parent and you see all those amazing qualities that you loved about your friend or relative in that tiny little person. It makes you really aware of how life really is a circle. (I know you are thinking of that cheesy Disney song--so am I). I love how Sarah is this mini teenager and she has this super cute attitude. I am so impressed with how social she is. She is so welcoming to all the kids around her and she is always the first to dive head first into whatever activity is ahead. And Julia, who has the cutest voice I have ever heard, is so cool. She is like those people who only need a few words and don't fill the rest with fluff...like John Wayne or James Dean ( I know those are men but its the tude that I am talking about). She is a lot more cautious then Sarah and you can tell she likes for Sarah to really initate things before she just dives in. You can tell she is smart.

I also feel sad that I am going to miss out on this part of Beth's life. That no longer will she be just a drive away. I always have looked at her like someone I was destined to meet- she has always made me feel so great about myself and given me the confidence to succeed in every area of my life and I am just going to miss seeing her whenever I feel like it. Although one thing I have always known about Beth & I is no matter how much our life changes us whenever we hang out we are still those super cool dorky high schoolers again.

Can you tell I am putting off work right now? I have been so busy all this week and last week that I thought I would take it easy today, get a lot done, and then got to the gym for an easy workout. I am trying to keep this week as stress free as possible.

Let's Get Physical

I am super impressed with myself this month. I have been really efficent and have stuck to my fitness plan, even more than that I have been loving my fitness plan. Each day after work I bring my clothes in the car with me and drive straight to the gym where I rock out to my tunes on the cardio machines. I have noticed a change in my fitness ability too. Since I have been doing all of this I can run up the stairs without being out of breath and I have way more energy and focus than I did before. It's perfect timing too since my job has just recently started really picking up and usually I am so busy that I turn around and it's 5:30.

I think with my job picking up and my fitness keeping me occupied at night I feel much better about the whole not having a baby thing. It's one of those things that when you are obsessing over it then you start to feel bad but if you are occupied you don't even notice it. In fact because I have been so occupied it has made me grateful that I haven't had a child yet. This gives me more time to spend with my friends and family or just some nice personal time. I also realized that for every month I don't get that notorius plus sign there is another month of pure freedom that I can dream about at 4 am while I am calming a screaming child. These are times in my life that I won't get back and as I see my friends (and myself) moving in different directions I realize that the time I spend with them is really precious. Life can come in and invade all of that and then suddenly you regret not being able to see this person more or that person more until it's too late. (Not that they are dead but that they are moving on in their lives.)

Adding to my goals of this month has also been that I wanted to try to believe more in the present or have more faith in the present. I am always so quick to look to the future but never realizing that what I have right now in my life is pretty great. I should appreciate that instead of pushing myself into the future and then looking back with longing and regretting never knowing how good I had it.

Stan is looking at a government position right now and I am really crossing my fingers that he gets it. I think it would be an answer to many people's prayers since it will mean more money and definate job security. I am also wishing many blessings on Audre since she went for a job interview today and the postion sounded like something that she would be awesome at.

Tomorrow I am getting up super early to wish Beth a Bon Voyage and immediatly after that I am going to rush to the nearest computer and start pricing some plane tickets to Hawaii. ALLLLOOOOHA!

Happy St. Patrick's Day Everyone!

St. Patrick's Day – Celebrating the Green

St. Patrick is believed to have driven the snakes from Ireland. Once a pagan himself, St. Patrick is one of Christianity's most widely known figures.
The modern secular holiday is based on the original Christian saint's feast day also thought to be the date of the saint's death. In 1737, Irish immigrants to the United States began observing the holiday publicly in Boston and held the first St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York City in 1766.
Today, the tradition continues with people from all walks and heritages by wearing green, eating Irish food, and attending parades. St. Patrick's Day is bursting with folklore; from the shamrock to the leprechaun and to pinching those that are not wearing green.


The Shamrock
In fact the first written mention of this story did not appear until nearly a thousand years after Patrick's death.
The shamrock, which was also called the "seamroy" by the Celts, was a sacred plant in ancient Ireland because it symbolized the rebirth of spring. By the seventeenth century, the shamrock had become a symbol of emerging Irish nationalism. As the English began to seize Irish land and make laws against the use of the Irish language and the practice of Catholicism, many Irish began to wear the shamrock as a symbol of their pride in their heritage and their displeasure with English rule.


The Snake
It has long been recounted that, during his mission in Ireland, St. Patrick once stood on a hilltop (which is now called Croagh Patrick), and with only a wooden staff by his side, banished all the snakes from Ireland.
In fact, the island nation was never home to any snakes. The "banishing of the snakes" was really a metaphor for the eradication of pagan ideology from Ireland and the triumph of Christianity. Within two hundred years of Patrick's arrival, Ireland was completely Christianized.


The Leprechaun
The original Irish name for these figures of folklore is "lobaircin," meaning "small-bodied fellow."
Belief in leprechauns probably stems from Celtic belief in fairies, tiny men and women who could use their magical powers to serve good or evil. In Celtic folktales, leprechauns were cranky souls, responsible for mending the shoes of the other fairies. Though only minor figures in Celtic folklore, leprechauns were known for their trickery, which they often used to protect their much-fabled treasure.
Leprechauns had nothing to do with St. Patrick or the celebration of St. Patrick's Day, a Catholic holy day. In 1959, Walt Disney released a film called Darby O'Gill & the Little People, which introduced America to a very different sort of leprechaun than the cantankerous little man of Irish folklore. This cheerful, friendly leprechaun is a purely American invention, but has quickly evolved into an easily recognizable symbol of both St. Patrick's Day and Ireland in general.


Slainte
Be prepared to toast on St. Patrick's Day!
For all those who were wondering what to say on March 17th, when they raise their glasses, here are a few phrases to remember:
May God bring good health to your enemies enemies
May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.
May you be in heaven one half hour before the devil knows you're dead.
As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.
There are many good reasons for drinking,One has just entered my head,If a man doesn't drink when he's living,How the hell can he drink when he's dead?
May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.
May you get all your wishes but one,So you always have something to strive for.
Here's to you, here's to me,the best of friends we'll always be.But if we ever disagree,forget you here's to ME!!
Here's to your coffin...May it be built of 100 year old oaks which I will plant tomorrow.
Here's to you as good as you are,Here's to me as bad as I am,As good as you are,And as bad as I am,I'm as good as you are,As bad as I am.
May the sons of your daughters smile up in your face.
Health, and long life to youLand without rent to youThe partner of your heart to youand when you die, may your bones rest in Ireland!
May your blessings outnumberThe shamrocks that grow,And may trouble avoid youWherever you go.
May your neighbors respect you,Troubles neglect you,The angels protect you,And Heaven accept you.
An old Irish recipe for longevity:Leave the table hungry.Leave the bed sleepy.Leave the bar thirsty.
I've drunk to your health in the pubs ,I've drunk to your health in my home ,I've drunk to your health so many times ,That I've almost ruined my own.
May you never forget what is worth remembering,Or remember what is best forgotten.
May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,The insight to know where you are,and the foresight to know when you've gone too far.
May you have warm words on a cold evening,A full moon on a dark night,And the road downhill all the way to your door.
May you never make an enemyWhen you could make a friend Unless you meet a fox among your chickens.
May your fire be as warm as the weather is cold.

A Brand New Day

This is great, today I am completely recharged and feeling much more appreciative of my personal gifts. On Friday I couldn’t shake that bummed feeling that I hadn’t conceived yet. Now I realize that my not conceiving has opened up a lot of opportunities for me. I also reminded myself that this time that Stan and I have together as newlyweds is time we can never have back and once we have a child everything will change. I am too quick to want to go on to the next step I don’t just stop and think about how great this phase in my life truly is.

I still have to monitor myself in terms of whether I am still on track with ovulation and I still have to try to lose as much weight as I can but I don’t need to stress myself out over the whole thing or feel upset that I haven’t lost a ton of weight. I am working on a life change and of course that requires patience and persistence. The important thing is I have lost a lot of weight to get to this point and that my body has been positively responding. I have been so lucky to be regularly ovulating and to have the opportunity to try on our own. To not have to get the tests month after month and have disappointment after disappointment has been a true blessing. I think it is important to reassure myself that I am on the road to where I hope to be and that the journey often makes reaching the goal feel sweeter.
This weekend I did a lot of soul searching and I think I came out realizing more about myself, my motives, and my relationships with people. I need to learn how to let go of my egocentricity and to enjoy other people’s victories. I can’t keep begrudging them for their good fortunes.

I remember when I went to California last year and we went to Cindy & Dave’s church, the pastor said something that really touched me. He asked everybody to close their eyes and hold out their hands and in those hands imagine all the fortunes that you have that are filling those hands. Those are your blessings and that you need not look into other’s hands because your hands are full of love & blessings to be thankful for. I really enjoyed this exercise and when I feel myself heading toward envy I try to stop and visualize the wonderful things I have in my hands and I feel full and blessed.

Next Stop: The Duldrums

Today I have been feeling a little down about myself. I realized that I haven't really lost any weight over the past few months. I have been going up and down in the same weight category and I am starting to get really bummed out. I have about 12 days or so until my next scheduled ovulation so hopefully with my added fitness plan and a little more committment to nutrition I will be able to hit my goal for this month.

It has been hard this past week since we have been going to a lot of meetings that last crazy hours. The hotels always provide food for us like muffins, cookies, sodas, etc. and when you are starving, bored, tired and right next to you sits a mound of junk food...yeah you go for it. I am going to have to figure out a plan on how to combat this hunger. I was thinking I would pack some healthier snacks for myself and then eat those instead of the hotel food. I think that is a plan that just may work.

Honestly, I am feeling pretty depressed about not concieveing yet. I know that my body has made great strides toward this goal but every now and then it feels overwhelming. I just tend to get a little defeated about the whole situation and then I start to regret that I have not done better. Sticking to a diet plan has always been so hard for me and I feel like a lot of the time I am not actually achieveing what really needs to be achieved. Today I could use some positive feedback which I am not really thinking I would get here since no one reads this.

How It All Adds Up

I am so sick of nutritional labels. All they serve to do is prove how dishonest the companies we are endorsing truley are. You go into a store to get a sandwich, chips, and a drink thinking that you are doing yourself a better service than running out to a fast food resterant only to find out that your lunch is lying to you.
Why don't the companies just say this is how much product we put in your package, and this is how many calories that equals? Instead they play this game with the customer saying that this product has X amount of servings and 1 serving size has X amount of calories. So you think you are making off like a bandit drinking a Ginger Ale with 90 calories when inactuality the gingerale has 2.5 servings and is therefore costing you 225 calories. This is stupid. The companies are so afraid we won't buy their products that they lie to us. Now I am stuck regretting my lunch because with all the calories I consumed I could have gone to Chipotle and gotten overly full. My lunch was sub-par and was elusive in how bad for me it was.

If you can't trust the food industry, who can you trust? (ha...overdramatic, much?)

The Perfect Weekend

Today, so far seems like an ok day, although, I am really feeling the recent time change. At least I don’t have to get up too early in the morning. Still I can’t help but feel completely exhausted.

This weekend was really good. On Friday I went to the nutritionist and we talked about the new herbs I was thinking about taking and everything got approved for that so I went over to the health food store and picked them up. So I officially started taking Evening Primrose Oil and Vitex Chasteberry on Friday night. I decided that they would be a great place to start since they will benefit my overall hormone production and minimize my PMS. It’s nice to be experimenting a little more with everything.

Saturday, I went to the gym and was a powerhouse. I biked 11 miles and pushed myself on the treadmill for 3 miles. It was a really nice feeling to get some exercise in. So far this month I have been doing a great job with exercising. Last week I went to the gym on Saturday & Monday. This week I am hoping to go more than that but my work week sometimes can get a little full and I have to work overtime. (This Wednesday I am going to have to work a little overtime at a meeting which is not scheduled to end until 9 pm. So I won’t be going to the gym that day). Right now my goal is to go to the gym on Saturdays, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. If I can’t go on that day because something conflicts then I am going to try to make up the workout on the next day.

It’s nice to be trying to get myself in better shape. I just started to think about how badly I have wanted to conceive and how much I have tried over the past year. Now that my body is actually ovulating I need to step up to the plate and make it as healthy as I possibly can in order to achieve conception. I am really pushing now I want this to happen and I know it is up to me to make it happen.

Back to my weekend, then on Sunday I enjoyed a nice relaxing time with Audre. We just hung out at my house and watched an SMG movie & Project Runway. It was good to recuperate from Saturday’s all out work out at the gym and hang out with a friend. I actually was a little bad, we made brownies and chow-ed down. I think I deserved a little R&R after all the chaos from this past work week.

Stan helped me out a lot. While I was relaxing and hanging out with my friends he cleaned the house and did the laundry (which was a huge mountain). It was nice to have that time to relax but then still have the chores get done. I love him!

Its exciting too because Stanley Steamer will be coming this week and I will be able to enjoy a super clean house from top to bottom.

Gearing Up for My Next Move

Today I am feeling a little tired and just overall sick. I am thinking about taking a half day, going to the gym, and then finishing my day with a little nutrition. I just had some early spotting (which explains my lack of energy today and cramping) so I am thinking I may just make a day of it and relax a little. It has been a really hard week and I knew that my having PMS was just weighing me down. At least this way the PMS part will be over and I can look toward this next cycle. I guess today will be called Day One.

In for some R & R?

Today is quite crazy. I have been running around doing so much to get ready for this meeting that is coming up right around the corner and of course I volunteered to help switch over some file drawers. I have been little Miss Multi-tasker all day. I really didn't get much of a lunch today since I was actually printing things and getting everything organized. I have been treating this like its my meeting a little bit so I get the idea of how much work really goes into it. I feel tired because we have all been running around here like chickens with no heads preparing for meeting after meeting. I am glad though that the job is really starting to get into the nitty gritty. I think this is a great way to get in there and get started. I have the freedom to try things out without getting into trouble if they go awry.

On the nutrition side of things, I didn't go to the gym yesterday or Tuesday so I am thinking about trying to get my butt there today or at the very least tomorrow. Although I am still very proud of myself for working out on Saturday and Monday. It was fabulous release and I just love going, listening to music, and jamming out all my tension. Its my goal today to get myself there and just kick back a little. Its weird but I actually think I feel more relaxed when I am working out then when I just go home and lay on the couch.

So far no period for this month but I can feel it coming. I have low energy, back aches, puffiness, and cravings (plus I am pretty sure I am a moody someone). I am not going to get upset if I get my period this month because I know that I have a lot more I can do for myself and it may not be the best time for me right yet but its coming. Although I need to slow down on my eating. I have been going out and buying lots of food and just thinking that because I worked out its all good but I need to really focus on trying to find that balance.

In fact I am making this month's theme "Experimentation & Balance". I want to experiment with different "old wives tales" and "ancient remedies" for increasing female fertility. I think I talked about this in another entry earlier so I am not going to belabor it anymore. So that is going to begin with menstration and stop with ovulation.

The next point I am really trying to focus on is Balance. I can see how everytime I pick something up in my life I let another thing fall by the wasteside. I want to try to find a nice balance so I am not hoping from one extreme to the next but rather juggling my tasks without feeling overwhelmed. I think by allowing myself to go too far in one direction and letting everything else go I just develop more problems for myself. Finding balance is so hard though so I am thinking about looking at health & fittness vs. pleasure foods & relaxation.

More on this later....

Another Month Another Chance

I went to the gym and I am feeling quite proud of myself. This past weekend I banged out 3 miles and 10 flights of stairs. Today I brought all my workout clothes with me and I am planning on going straight to the gym when I get off of work. I am thinking that here it is a new month and I think it is time to start thinking ahead. I need to prepare myself for what is coming up around the corner which is the next cycle. I can't say for sure yet is our February attempt has worked or not but I need to not concentrate on whether I am now but instead I need to assume that I am not and focus on getting myself ready for next time. I am just proud because some of the ideas I have focused on for February really have carried over into my life and I can see them being a positive step toward my ultimate goal of being a happy healthy mom with a happy healthy baby.

I made so many decisions this past month that were just wrong and are really bad for someone who is trying to concieve. With everything I have working against me I have to be really strong on everything. I am once again starting on a better food plan but I am giving myself a little more room than last time since I was not able to function under those constraints I set up for myself. Actually I have realized that losing weight is all about finding things that work in your real life and when something fails you just let it go and move on to the next thing. Maybe you weren't ready for that at this stage in your plan or maybe it wasn't right for you. I am not going to look at February like I failed because I didn't; I came up with something great that has really kept me satisfied while I am at work. Sometimes I may eat more calories then others but that is ok.

Each month I like to have a focus, new things I can try out. Whatever works sticks with me and whatever doesn't I just let go. Its getting exciting though because I am so close I have gone through 4 normal consecutive cycles which means I have tried for something like 5 ovulatory cycles. This next month I want to make a big deal out of because it will be my 6th cycle of actually trying. I think that is really important because we are getting up there in the conception stats.

On my other blog "mamma's maybe baby" I talk about something I have been researching today called the "Procreation Vacation." I think it would be great for Stan & I to enjoy one of these romatic getaways and maybe see what can happen. I have also decided to start drinking some chasteberry tea which will help beef up those female hormones of mine. I want to make this month all about trying out the "old wives tales."

If I decide to do the retreat it won't be until the end of the month so I have a whole month to really go to town on all of this stuff...I love it I love it I love it!