I have scheduled an emergency appointment with my doctor today. I am so afraid he is going to say that I am right and I shouldn't start the cycle. I actually want to go through the whole process but I have to be realistic. I know that if I don't say something now and there was an oversight that I will always blame myself. Just because I want a baby right now does not mean that I am so impatient that I would risk losing the one ovary that I have. I know that I have to be smart about this even though I may end up hurt. In the long run I know it will be better if I question things as they come. This way I can learn more about myself and even the field of obsterics.
I figure it this way they have how many bodies to worry about at any given medical facility and all I have is this one so its always worth my concern. I know I may end up crushed by the end of today but its something I have to do to ensure that this decision is the best. I don't want it to seem as though I don't have trust in my doctors because it isn't that. Ihave no doubt that they have a lot of experitise and that they do know best but they too are human and can make mistakes. I just don't want the mistakes to effect my overall ability to have children. If all I have to do is question every now and then so be it.
I am counting down the hours though. Its rough because I feel as though I am reaching out for that baby and now I am looking back saying are we really ok to do this. I want to do this cycle so bad but I have to face the reality that the cycle may not work and then what? If there is a huge cyst left over I could end up without any ovaries at all relying on egg donors. I know this is shallow but I think I would never feel like the baby was mine. That is something that I may have to get over one day but I know I will feel that way. I have PCOS and that has effected my ability to reproduce. I am trying to be strong and make level headed decisions not ones that are solely ruled by my emotions. I have a tendancy to be very sensitive and take everything to heart but I know that the more I do this the harder it is to recover. If I really try to think about things from a logical stand point and then deal with the negative emotions later I am more likely to make wise decisions and that is what is required of a medical professional. (I still want to do this by the way in fact working here makes me want to get my MD...we'll have to see).
I think my biggest problem with this whole situation is how I was treated by the sonogram tech. She was very nice but everything she said made me doubt her ability to perform the test. Asking me whether something was a fallopian tube or not is very unprofessional and does not instill the confidence a patient needs to have in those people who are treating them. I understand that sonogram techs are not your doctor but they do interact with the patient and maybe they need to have more training so they can read what they are looking at.
When I went to a sonogram facility last year I remember being really frustrated that the tech was unable to tell us what they saw on the screen. I just remember thinking about how I had to wait all this time to find out from my doctor (didn't find out until like 2 weeks later) and being really frustrated. I love the fact that at Shady Grove you know your results THAT DAY. That is exactly what medical offices should be like because people shouldn't have to be waiting around for a call when it is in regards to their health. Why should we have to wait we our society with all its modern conviences can have information from here to Australia in no time. So I am really grateful that we can see and hear what is going on as it is going on and I am afraid that my complaining may jeporodize the whole situation. I just don't want to be one of those people who ruins it for everyone.
On a lighter note, I am trying to convince Stan to go on a mini vacation this weekend since I have off on Monday. I just think it would be nice for us to get away. I think with all the fertility confusion and negative happenings it would be nice to just go away and enjoy each other. I suggested going skiing with John & Maggie because then I could watch William while they all ski (I hate skiing I tried it once and ended up crying on the bunny slope as a bunch of 4 year olds flew past me. Ahh how I miss my snowy tomb.) I just think it would be so nice for us to go away and leave all this behind for a little while. I understand you can't run away from your problems but you can take a break and come back with a cleared head and a renewed spirit. We don't necessarily have to bring another couple with us but I always like stuff like that. You can always be romantic with each other because they will want to do something on their own. I just feel as though Stan & I could use that time to just relax a little. I hate being stressed it always makes me feel as though I need a mini break. As far as I know the only vacation we have planned is to Ocean City so it maybe nice to just plan a little something where I don't have to take any leave but can still have a vacation. Not that I am not looking forward to Ocean City I love going there and it always feels so great because that was where I fell in love with Stan and I think where we really cemented our relationship. We had dated and kissed by that point (well one kiss my second kiss was at OC) but I think neither of us were really sure until Ocean City.
I wish I had my blog when Stan & I were dating. I just think that we had all these feelings and its always really nice to go back and remember those. Maybe I should blog them in here or something as a subsection as I remember them although you always remember things differently then the way they really were. I just love him so much and I love who I am when I am with him. He's fantastic! Aww. Mr. Bear.
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Awww... Mrs. Bear!
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